"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about Learning to Dance in the Rain."

You are my Sunshine

2011-11-12T21:28:00.004-05:00

I absolutely love Anne Murray's song and it is just perfect on days when things don't look so sunny. I don't know how we'd be making it through the day to day agony of losing our sweet Lucas without his little brother putting smiles on our faces.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Smilers never loose
And Frowners never win
So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in

Happy (Belated) 3rd Birthday!

2011-10-28T20:54:00.005-04:00

Another year has passed and we celebrated Lucas 3rd birthday on Monday without our sweet little boy once again. I'd love to say that it was a good day, but to be quite truthful it hit me pretty hard. Sort of unexpected but not surprisingly. I've been in a funk all week and feel like a bus has run over me, hence the late birthday post.

Of course, we continued the tradition of baking Lucas his "rainbow" birthday cake. It's a peaceful process that I enjoy quite a bit. This year it was sweetened by a little boy tugging on my pant legs to get a lick of the cream cheese icing.

After we ate some of Lucas' cake, we headed over to the cemetery to release some balloons with birthday wishes for our sweetheart. Max was a big helper and was great about letting the balloons go. Almost as if he understands that they are for his big brother. We expected tears once the balloons would be gone. On the contrary Max asked for more balloons to be sent up to heaven. How I wish I could see them share toys and play with each other.

Sweet Lucas, happy 3rd birthday. I hope you had a great day with lots of cake, balloons and wonderful friends. We miss you terribly and wish we'd be able to give you a big birthday cuddle. Love always, your Mommy.

Little Brother!

2011-09-25T13:57:00.001-04:00

Lucas and Max are going to have a little brother. Another boy is joining our family of four and we couldn't be more delighted. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant and this little boy is due to arrive on February 5, 2012, which coincidentally is Max's 2nd birthday. I know that the due date rarely ever is the actual day a woman delivers, but I look at this as my good luck charm.

Of course, being pregnant is an emotional rollercoaster and even though it is not as intense and scary as with Max, it still is getting the best of me at times especially since my peri has discovered that I have placenta previa in addition to PAAP-A. We are hopeful that the placenta previa will disappear as this pregnancy progresses. The PAAP-A (pregnancy associated plasma protein) has me a little bit on my tiptoes. I made the HUGE mistake of googling it and words like intrauterin growth restrictions, premature birth, preeclampsia, stillbirth and others jumped out from my computer screen. After discussing my prenatal care plan with my peri, I feel a little more at ease. It seems as though he has a good plan of detection / prevention.

For now, we are enjoying every minutes of anticipating the safe arrival of this little boy. I especially love when Max cuddles with my belly and proclaims baby. He showers his little brother with hugs and kisses and I can't wait to see these little boy grow up together.

2 Years, 8 months, 1 Week & 2 Days

2011-07-13T20:54:00.010-04:00

It is hard to really put things into words when part of your heart has a huge hole in it and the other part is filled with endless joy. I call it the Lucas-shaped hole of our family. A piece of us is missing and it will be forever missing.

When I look at Max I often wonder if Lucas would have been just as energetic, funny, loving and affectionate as Max. Or maybe Lucas would have been much more mellow and reserved like his Dad. I wonder if their hair would have been the same or if Lucas would have loved all sorts of fruits & veggies just as much as Max does.

Having Max has brought us so much happiness and he's a constant reminder of Lucas, but a reminder in a good way. I don't look at him necessarily with tear-filled eyes. I look at him smiling about all the funny things he does and remember my cutie pie Lucas.

So yes...things have been quiet over here, very quiet. It's mainly due to the fact that I feel like a broken record. I don't know what else to say other than that I am eternally going to miss my first born son all the while enjoying every single moment with his little brother.

And of course all the raving about Max calls for some updated pictures.

We are working on the "say cheese" for the camera. Still have some more work to do.

Germans believe that a good breakfast starts with Nutella. And combined with my favorite American breakfast item - pancakes - you get this happy face.

One of my favorite things...hugs and kisses from Max.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T10:59:00.003-04:00

Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back. ~ Erma Bombeck ~

I think about Lucas, my first son I don't get to see grow up. I think about Max, and how he would not be here if Lucas still was. I think about how lucky we are to have Max, such an amazing little boy with such an easy going and happy nature. And then I wonder if Lucas' personality would’ve been like Max’s or completely different. I think about what Lucas would look like now. Would he and Max have looked the same? Would Lucas have had the same cheerful smile and "sometimes" curly hair like his brother? Or would they have been their own unique selves and not even have looked or acted like siblings.

Happy belated Mother's day to all mothers out there.

Lightning never strikes twice..

2011-03-11T16:36:00.003-05:00

in the same place! Or does it? This has really been on my mind a lot lately. Max is 13 months now and we have always had the intentions to have children close in age (as in less than 2 years age difference). I just think it would be great for Max to have a playmate and to grow up with a sibling here on earth. Unfortunately, Lucas will never be the kind of brother to play outside with Max or to walk down the isle by his side as his best man. So we really would like to add to our little family, but I am scared beyond words. Once again...all over.

I love our day to day life right now. Things are in a good place. We are genuinely happy and love everything about our little peanut. Of course we miss Lucas and wish he'd be here with us, but it's not as heartbreaking anymore.

Myths say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place and I would love to believe that, but what if it would? Should we really jeopardise what we have right now? Should we put Max and us for that matter through a potential tragedy? I am not certain if I'd be able to pick up the pieces again afterwards and that would mean that Max would have a nutcase of a mother.

I wish there'd be a guarantee for things like pregnancy. You know a warranty that states, once you are pregnant you are guaranteed to raise a healthy little boy or girl.

Happy 1st Birthday!

2011-02-07T20:18:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe that the day of Max's 1st Birthday has come and gone in no time. I still remember so vividly how much I was looking forward to meeting our little Peanut in the days approaching February 5, 2010 (and of course throughout the entire pregnancy). And now he's been with us for an entire year. I can't even begin to put into words how much joy and happiness this little person has brought to our family. Max went from infant to toddler in no time.

Max is full of personality and just a happy little boy all around. He is all boy - trouble through and through. He loves to take things apart, inspect all odds and ends of his toys and if he could he'd open everything up. Just this morning he was sitting under my desk using a pen to "pretend" unscrew a screw. Max has been walking for a while now and he is getting pretty fast. I see a lot of chasing after him in my near future. He loves his upright position and has a blast exploring the world around him. He is fascinated by dogs and cats. He tries to chase after them to touch them. I believe his intentions are good and he just wants to pet them, but sometimes he ends up pulling their furs just a little too hard. Max also loves to look at his books. He calls out "Beh" and pulls a book from his shelf and then returns returns back to me or his daddy to sit in our lap to read the book to him.

We are so truly blessed to have Max in our lives and last year was a year filled with happiness, giggles and much laughter all thanks to Max. Here is a little recap of the monthly photo shoots that poor Max had to endure.

Scrabble

2011-01-19T21:24:00.003-05:00

Max and I were playing with his blocks earlier today when this dawned on me:

It took me almost a year to figure this out. Love seeing their names together like that. And notice how it is a perfect symmetrical cross.

A Must Read

2010-12-28T21:34:00.003-05:00

With Max finally sleeping through the nights, I have been able to pick up some books that have been on my reading list for a long time. One of these books is "An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken.

The book is a memoir about McCracken's stillbirth of her baby boy and a subsequent pregnancy. The author applies honesty, wisdom and even wit to a painful event. I have been finding so many similarities between her and my emotions (with the big difference being that I would never be able to put them into words the way McCracken did).

Ultimately, “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination” is sad and at times tear-inducing. McCracken offers an unstinting account of her grief and the outlying emotions it engenders, from embarrassment to feelings of failure to misdirected anger. It definitely is a good read and I would highly suggest it to anyone who has not experienced the loss of a child but knows someone close to them who has experienced such a loss. The book will provide much inside to the many aspects of grieving a baby or child.

I will leave you with one of the most moving passages from the book. McCracken imagines her tragedy as a comic book in which her baby is fine in one panel, and then: “In the next panel, seconds later, something is supposed to intervene. . . . But Superman never shows. I can see it so clearly. In one panel we are safe and stupid. In the next we’re only stupid.”

Heart of the Matter

2010-11-21T21:05:00.003-05:00

I am currently reading a book (Emily Griffin's "Heart of the Matter")...a just for fun book with no mention of infant loss and the darkness that follows.

So as I picked up the book this evening all curled up on the sofa, this is what it's first page revealed:

"Whenever I hear of someone else's tragedy, I do not dwell on the accident or diagnosis, or even the initial shock waves or aftermath of grief. Instead, I find myself reconstructing those final ordinary moments. Moments that make up our lives. Moments that were blissfully taken for granted - and that likely would have been forgotten altogether but for what followed. The before snapshot."

This whole weekend I have been thinking about the "ordinary" things that we did during our last weekend with Lucas. This weekend just 2 years ago, we took our little bundle of joy out for his first trip to the babystore, which is about a 30 minute drive away from our house. I remember how nervous we were to drag him out there. I was planning on nursing him in the car, so we even dragged the Bobby pillow with us. I remember how proudly we walked through the store and how strangers would give complements on Lucas' beautiful big brown eyes. I also remember that it was a nice sunny fall weekend. The air was chilly and Lucas was all bundled up. He slept for most of the time that we were out and we were so excited that the little trip went well. We discussed at length how happy we were that our little man was with us on the way home. We stopped at Chipotle to pick up lunch. We came home and discovered that our heat had turnt off. My husband later discovered that the heater was broken and frantically went to Home Depot to purchase some space heaters. We spend the rest of the afternoon and evening upstairs in the bedroom with the door closed to keep the heat in the room. I played with Lucas and he smiled for the first time at me. I even was able to get a snapshot of his smile. Most importantly, I remember how blissfully happy we were.

I wonder if I'd remember all those little things about our ordinary weekend if it wasn't for what happened.

What a great Surprise

2010-11-11T20:18:00.003-05:00

We returned from a great trip to Germany and England and had a fabulous time. We spent a ton of time with my parents, brothers & sister as well as good friends. We also enjoyed a ton of good food and were just happy as can be being together as a family 24/7.

Today as I was looking through our pictures I saw these two below and was so surprised to see who made an appearance in the pictures. Just look right over my shoulder and you can see a very special little boy being part of this fun time with my baby brother, Willy. Those are the little things that just brighten my day and fill my heart with joy.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweet Lucas

2010-10-24T12:05:00.004-04:00

My little bundle of joy, we wishing you a wonderful 2nd birthday. Hoping that you are having a fun party up there in heaven with lots of yummy cupcakes, balloons and of course many loving friends. We miss you terribly every second of every day and wish that we could have woken you up this morning with lots of birthday kisses.

Here is the birthday cake Mommy baked for you. I know you've seen it already from heaven since it was done yesterday but thought I'll share the pictures. Mommy baked the cake last year for your 1st birthday for the first time and I just love to spend the entire day to bake this cake for you. It gives mommy lots of time to remember every little bit about you, the day we first met and the wonderful month that we spent together as a family. This is your special cake and I will continue to bake it for your birthdays all those years to come.

We also took some balloons to the cemetery for you along with some pretty flowers that Oma & Opa all the way from Germany sent for you. And of course, we let some balloons go up to the sky with our birthday notes. Hope you got them. Oh and I also hope that you don't mind that we let your little brother keep one balloon. Max really liked them and I am certain that you would have loved to share with your little brother.

Love you endlessly,
your Mommy, Daddy and Max

Healing Power

2010-10-08T16:34:00.004-04:00

With Lucas' 2nd birthday being only about 2 weeks away, I am really amazed at how Max as an addition to our family has helped our hearts to heal. He brings so much joy to us and really has showed us over the past 8 months that we are still capable of being a happy family. A family that is missing a little boy in every single picture, on family trips, holidays, birthdays and during our day to day activities, but happy nonetheless. Smiles, giggles and even laughter that comes from deep down your stomach (you know the one that makes your eyes tear and makes you hold your stomach) have made their way back into our house these past few months. I can truly say that I am happy these days.

I think of Lucas often and miss him terribly, but it's different these days. It does not hurt as terribly. It's more of a constant little sting. Of course I wish that Lucas was still here. And if there was anything in my power that I could do to change what has happened I would give 110% or more to reverse it.

Max, my little man, you will never know how much you have changed our lives. When I thought that I would never be capable of being happy, you slowly made your way deep down into my heart and started fixing what was shattered into millions of little pieces after we lost your big brother. With every little smile, giggle, touch, hug and now even kisses you put the broken pieces back together like a puzzle while constantly reminding me of your big brother Lucas. Both of you are so precious to me. Even though my heart will never be whole again and there will always be something missing for as long as I live, it is as close to being whole as it can get and it's all thanks to you my little sunshine.

Here are some long overdue pictures of Max (it was tough picking on the pics, so there are quite a few).

Will it ever Stop?

2010-09-05T21:23:00.002-04:00

With Max getting older and us venturing out more and more, it has been inevitable that we meet other Mom's with children that are almost 2 years old. Whether we are at the library, the pool, the park our the playground, we meet Mom's with young children. Lately, the tough part is when we strike up a conversation and the casual question of "how old is your child" gets the response that he or she is almost 2 years old. It immediately causes a big sting in my heart and I have to fight back tears. It is just so hard to swallow that Lucas would be their age right now. And it just hurts so much to see them interact with Max and it hurts even more to see Max all fascinated by the older children. I am sure he would love to have a big brother around to show him the ropes.

Hope that the intensity of this pain will lessen as time goes by. Just another facet of the grief journey that I will have to live with since I am not certain that this will never fully stop.

As always, missing our sweet Lucas.

Day of Hope

2010-08-19T21:56:00.001-04:00

Remembering my sweet Lucas today and every day.

A Beach Trip

2010-07-20T16:19:00.005-04:00

We made it and took our annual beach trip, but the trip was more than just a visit to the beautiful sand and crashing waves of the ocean. I've always loved the ocean and back then when it was still just me and the hub, we'd go to the beach at least once a year. Then the summer of 2008, it was me, the hub and our sweet Lucas growing in my tummy. We felt so incredibly happy and couldn't wait for our trip to the beach the following summer.

Last summer, I could not even fathom to think about going to the beach. My dreams of taking my little 8 month old boy to the beach were destroyed. We were devastated and barely managed to do our day to day activities. We just weren't in a happy place and for sure not in a place to go to the beach and see all the happy parents with their little ones playing in the waves or sand. We've just lost too much and the pain of missing Lucas was too raw and most days just plain unbearable.

This summer, we took Max to the beach and what a wonderful trip it was. There was much laughter and joy. We still missed having Lucas with us and reminisced about having a 20 month old to watch after in addition to our 5 month old. We will never be complete and will always miss our little angel, but we are also in a place were happiness is surrounding us daily thanks to Lucas' little brother.

Another 24th

2010-06-24T16:54:00.003-04:00

It is hard to believe how time has flown by since we last held Lucas in our arms. So many things have changed. It's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and yet on the 24th of each month I still feel the aching pain, yet not as sharp as it once was, in my chest.

Having an infant at home really has taken up all of my time, which I am so grateful for. However, when I try to really reflect and understand how I am doing with my grief, I don't get very far. I am either too exhausted by the end of the day or Max is ready for another feeding.

I know I am better and most of the time I can say that I have come to terms with what has happened to us. I still don't understand why it had to happen to us and probably never never will. And then at times I just wish I could turn back time and know the things I know now. How badly I wish that would have been able to tell the doctors that Lucas had a heart defect.

So today it's been 19 months since that awful day in the emergency room, 19 months of pain, anger, sadness and devastation. But it's also been 19 weeks trying to balance the pure joy that Lucas' little brother has brought to us alongside the missing of our Angel.

The Shirt Says it all

2010-06-05T22:35:00.005-04:00

Max you mean the world to me and your Daddy. You have been with us for 4 months now and you have been such a blessing for our hearts and souls. Even on our darkest and most uggliest days you make us smile. We were often told that having a you after your big brother passed would help us find joy in our lives again. You have brought so much happiness to us in such a short time, so when I saw this shirt I knew you just had to have. "YOU ARE OUR (MY) SUNSHINE."

Avoidance

2010-05-27T12:10:00.007-04:00

Avoidance is not an official stage in the grieving process as described by many experts. However, as many of you know we all grief the loss of our little ones differently. I have discovered and it has become quite clear to me over the past month or so that avoidance is part of my grieving process.

I feel terribly guilty, ashamed and sad that I have been avoiding this for so long. Lucas has been gone for 19 months now and I still have not been able to do this one last final thing. We have not been able to decide on Lucas' headstone. His grave only has his temporary headstone because I have been avoiding the decision for so long and it is now turning into guilt.

We have discussed what we would like to put on his headstone several times, but then could never place the order and make it final. Buying the headstone makes his death so final and permanent. I just can't bring myself to do it and I wish that someone could make the decision for me. Also, it seems that I somehow want the headstone to show how much we love him and how much he is missed. But no words can really do that and I just need to come to the realization that it is not the headstone that shows our love for him. It is how we carry him in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

Missing our little boy terribly.

3 Months Old

2010-05-06T21:00:00.002-04:00

Time really has been flying by these days and on most days I am not even certain what date it is. Max is now 3 months old and I can't even begin to express how much joy this little man has brought to us.

Here are some pics of his 3 months home photo shoot (he really didn't want to smile for the camera yesterday):

A Special Day

2010-05-02T20:48:00.003-04:00

Someone very special to the world of miscarriages, stillbirths and infant death has put it upon herself to designate May 2nd as the International Babylost Mothers Day. The day is of great significance for any mom who has lost her child or even children especially if she does not have any other children on earth. Just because a women loses her only child does not mean she is not a mother anymore. She is a mother with all of her heart and soul and deserves to be celebrated as a Mom.

I remember last year's Mothers Day. It was supposed to be my first Mothers Day and I was looking forward to it while being pregnant with Lucas, but it was not the happy event that I had hoped for. The day felt empty and it was just plain horrible. To the outside world I did not look like a Mom and to most of my family & friends I was a Mom for the one month that Lucas was with us. Needless to say, I felt out of place and just plain miserable on a day where Moms get lots of hugs and kisses from their children.

Thank you Carly for creating a day for all Mom's who have lost their children.

11 Weeks

2010-04-23T13:10:00.004-04:00

Our little Max is 11 weeks today. Time is flying by and I can't believe that April is almost over, which means May is right around the corner. May is the last month of me staying at home. Come June 1st I will have to go back to work and I am not looking forward to leaving my cutie. I don't even like going upstairs to take a nap because I don't want to miss out on anything he does.

Max has been doing great. He is growing and thriving. He has become quite the chatter cat and loves to smile. It is so rewarding to get his little grin when you talk to him. My favorite part of the day is waking up in the morning. Max sleeps in the middle of our bed and when I open my eyes I get the most adorable smile from him.

Here are some newer pictures of Max:

Yesterday, we had a special little get together. Over the past year I have become friends with two other baby loss moms our area. We met at an infant loss group and have been supporting each other through the winding roads of grief, grieving while hopefully expecting and grieving while enjoying our rainbow babies. Stacy and Carly have been a tremendous help to me and I am beyond thankful that they live so close to me and that we are able to get together whenever we would like to.

Here are some pictures of our rainbow babies, Eliana, Finn and Max. It was hard to get all three of them to look into the camera, but maybe next time around all three of them will be able to sit up a little better. Also, check out Stacy's blog for more pictures .

You Never Know When....

2010-04-17T14:34:00.002-04:00

Since Max has been born, we have been thinking and talking a lot about Lucas. There are always tears when we talk about our little angel in our house, but they are controlled and in the comfort of our home.

The other day Max and I went to our favorite store, Target, and I ended up browsing the baby clothes aisles to see if they had anything cute that I would want to buy. And there it was...the cutest onesie in bright green that caught my eye . The second I turned it around to look at its front, the tears started rolling. The front read "Best Little Brother in the World." It hit me hard right then and there in the middle of Target. I dropped everything I had in my hands and just made my way to the exit as fast as I could.

Max is the little brother but he will never get to do "brother-things" with his big brother. He'll never get to take away Lucas' toys or run after him. He'll never get to hug and kiss his big brother and they'll never get to have a fight.

You never know when it may hit you and how hard it will hit you.

The Should Haves & Should Nots

2010-03-27T11:18:00.008-04:00

While Max is sleeping away in his Baby Bjorn, I am pondering about the life that we will never get to experience. The life of carefree parents that don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. Even though Max has brought much happiness and joy to us and we love him with all of our hearts, I can't help to think about the "should haves" and "should nots." There are many and below are just some roaming around in my head.

The house should not be filled with silence while Max is sleeping. There should be lots of laughter and giggles from a squirmy little man.

Experiencing Max develop and explore the world should not be so new to us. We should know what an almost 2 month old does and whether or not Max is developing just like Lucas, is advanced or behind.

Parenting should be second nature to us and we should know what to do and what to expect over the next few months. For instance, Max hates, absolutely hates, to go to sleep at night time. We should know how to fix it or tell ourselves..."this is what worked for Lucas" and try the same with Max.

I should not fear to put Max to sleep and jump up every time I hear a noise from him (maybe this is why he doesn't sleep too well). And I for sure should not freak out every time Max falls into a deep sleep and his breathing gets very shallow. I should not have the need to constantly check if he is breathing while he sleeps.

I should believe the doctors when they tell me Max is a healthy little boy. He for sure looks like it. And I should not respond to someone that asks how Max's doctors' appointment went that "he is supposedly healthy."

We are beyond thankful to have Max with us and we treasure every moment of it while we are missing the little 17 month old that should be running around in our house. While the focus of missing Lucas has shifted a little to taking care of Max 24/7, I could continue on and on with the list of should haves and should nots. Unfortunately, the reality is that I will always think in terms of should haves and should nots. Every stage that we will experience with Max will add new items to the list.

6 Weeks Old

2010-03-19T16:06:00.004-04:00

Our little Max is 6 weeks old today and I can't believe how much he has changed already. The changes are not only physical but also behavioral. Max for sure loves his food and it shows. He also has lost a chunk of his hair and is sporting some very prominent president corners. I hope that new hair will fill them in soon. His eyebrows are growing now too. At first he didn't have any, then they looked like someone shaved them off and now he actually has eyebrows.

Max is awake a lot more now. He usually is up for at least an hour after his feedings (we try to avoid this at night, but are not always successful). He is ooooohhhing and ahhhhing when he is awake. Max is also looking at his toys, swinging his cute little hands at the Mrs. Giraffe and Mr. Monkey on his activity mat. He is holding on to anything that he can reach...oh and yes he already broke my necklace. He pulled on it and it fell off my neck. My husband and I could not believe it. His newest adventure are his attempts in standing. Max's leg muscle seem unbelievably strong. He stiffens his little chunky legs up and he stands. It makes him look like a big boy and it is happening entirely too fast for my taste.

Lastly, Max has smiled at us but not regularly. The gummy little smile just melts your heart away and I can't wait to get my daily dose of them. His smiles are hard to get and I have not been able to capture them on camera. It seems like there is a lot more to smile about while he sleeps than being awake.

To sum it all up, Max loves to eat, play and being held. He enjoys his baths, activity matt and bouncy chair (for a limited amount of time). Max absolutely loves going for walks and likes being carried around in his Baby Bjorn. When it comes to sleeping, our little man pretty much seems to think that sleep is overrated.

Rainbow Baby

2010-03-04T08:47:00.004-05:00

After becoming part of world of parents who have lost a child (or children) due to miscarriage, neonatal/infant death or stillbirth, I also quickly became acquainted with the term RAINBOW BABY(IES). Babies born to families after the loss of a child are often referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. It goes without saying that when a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. A rainbow baby shows its parents that there is joy and happiness to life.

This is were we are today. We are beyond grateful to have Max with us. He is a beautiful little soul and has brought so much happiness to our family over the past 4 weeks. It feels good to remember how happiness feels. We are constantly missing Lucas especially when we look at pictures like these:

Lucas taking a bath:

Max taking a bath:

They are brothers for sure and look so much alike. We are happy to find all these similarities between the two, but it also makes us miss Lucas even more.

Tomorrow, we will start a journey of "NEW." Max is one month old tomorrow and from there on out everything will be new to us. We never got to experience life with a newborn beyond the one month mark. We are excited to be at this place in our lives and we enjoy every minute of it; however, we are also moving cautiously and hope that the joy will never end.

Just Pictures

2010-02-18T09:24:00.005-05:00

Things have been very busy around here and I have not had much time on the computer or to even put some thoughts into our life happenings of the past 13 days. Max will be 2 weeks old tomorrow and it seems that time just flies by. We smother him with kisses and hugs every day and hold him ever so tightly to make sure that he knows how much we love him.

Max appears to be a healthy little boy with a never ending appetite. His doctors' appointments have been going well. He is starting to gain back his weight. We will visit with the doctor again on Friday and I am hoping that he will be back at his birthweight then.

Enjoy the pictures.

Our Blizzard Baby

2010-02-08T12:02:00.003-05:00

I am happy to announce that Max Oliver arrived safely on Friday, February 5th at 4.12PM. He is 20 inches and weighs 8 lbs 4 oz. His cheeks look just like they looked on his last ultrasound picture and I am not sure how we are going to be able to stop kissing them. We came home yesterday afternoon and are so happy to have him here with us.

Here are a few pictures of our cuddly little guy.

Almost

2010-02-03T07:46:00.004-05:00

I can't believe that we are so close to meet our little Peanut. My doctor scheduled my induction of labor for Friday, February 5th at 7AM, which means in less than 48 hours we will be heading to the hospital to check in.

I am beyond excited, happy and joyful and at the same time I am frightened, scared and worried beyond words. I am well aware that this next journey in our lives as a family will bring many new challenges as we attempt to balance the joy of holding Peanut while so deeply longing & missing Lucas.

We've had another minor snow storm and I love how the white cover makes everything look so peaceful. The weather frogs are also calling for another storm to head our direction on Friday evening....I am honestly very excited that it will be snowing during the first hours that we will be holding Peanut. I've always loved snow and for me it portrays serenity and peace. Here is a picture from this morning - just magical.

I am well aware that we are heading towards another roller coaster of emotions and hope that we will find our way through this new journey as a family of four.

If you are the praying type, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Sleepless Night Ramblings

2010-01-28T03:08:00.003-05:00

It is about 3AM in the morning and I have been laying wide awake in bed. My head is spinning from all the different thoughts that are floating around in there.

To the outside person, I appear as a happy normal pregnant women who looks like she is going to give birth any minute. To anyone who knows me and has been part of my life....well, they know it is different. I am happy, actually very happy, to be pregnant and the anticipation to meet this little person who is growing inside of me is getting bigger by the day. However, with every day that passes by and with only a few more days left of being pregnant with Peanut, the fear and anxiety of "what ifs" creeps in. Anyone who has lost a baby will tell you that once you enter the world of "babylost mothers", you have a complete different perspective. I have seen and read about too many stories of what can go wrong. I have heard about too many mothers who were pregnant and did not bring home their baby, mothers who left the hospitals empty handed. And I have heard about too many mothers, who brought home their babies, and yet did not get to raise them for very long.

I am hopeful that we will get to see little Peanut grow old and strong. I am hopeful that he will outlive his parents especially knowing that he has his very own guardian angel. And yet I am full of fear....I can't bear the thought of the "what if something goes wrong again." We were part of a statistic before - Lucas' undiagnosed heart defect has a 2-3% chance of occurring.

Today and any other day, I am trying to focus on the fact that most babies do come home with their parents when they leave the hospital and most babies live long, happy, and healthy lives.

36 Week Update

2010-01-20T18:44:00.011-05:00

We had another growth scan on Monday and I thought I'll post a quick update of our hopefully last ultrasound. The little man looked great and was notably bothered by all the attention he was getting. He kept on kicking the technician as if he wanted her to stop invading his space.

The scan showed that Peanut is measuring 36 weeks in head size, 36 weeks in height (arm and leg bones) and ..... an unbelievable 39 weeks in the tummy, which puts him at an overall measurement of 37 weeks, 3 days (exactly one week ahead). His estimated weight is approximately 7 lbs 14 ounces and I decided that we should change his temporary name from PEANUT to CHUNKY MONKEY. And in case you are wondering, I have not been eating Ben & Jerry's famous Chunky Monkey ice cream.

In the second picture, he is resting his head on his fist. I guess his head, or should I say cheeks, must be getting a little heavy. He also made a little pouty lip to show how unhappy he was with the technician poking him to get his mommy a good shot of his face. I can't wait to kiss those little chubby cheeks.

And here is a belly shot the morning of the ultrasound at 36 weeks, 3 days (but who is counting).

I also went to my OB this afternoon and there are no changes. She said she will induce me at 39 weeks the earliest, so at least 2-3 more weeks to go. We'll see how much bigger he'll get by then. I for sure hope that he will not continue to gain at the .5 lbs / week rate that babies grow during their last few weeks of gestation.

Arts & Crafts

2010-01-16T20:21:00.005-05:00

We decided a while ago that we will not change the nursery that we prepared for Lucas. We had put it together with so much love, hope and joy while preparing for Lucas' arrival. After not too much debate, we decided that it would only be right for Peanut to use his big brother's nursery as would most likely be the case if Lucas would still be here on earth with us. However, we thought that we should add a few little touches to make it special for Peanut as well since we are filled with joy and anticipation to meet this little guy.

My latest project involved a little arts & crafts and I thought I'll share. We went to IKEA and bought some plain white picture frames since the furniture in the nursery is white. I then thought that a white frame with white matting ... well, is just a little too white for my taste especially in a children's room. Here is what I did in pictures and I just love the results.

I started out with the plain white frame and scrapbook paper. I also bought some safari animal themed scrapbook stickers since the bedding and the rest of the room has a safari animal theme.

We have another ultrasound on Monday to check on his growth. Can't meet to see the little man again.

I then went ahead and cut the scrapbook paper to cover the white matting and added the little animal stickers to the three frames. The stickers are 3D and look really cute.

And last but not least, I had the hub hang the frames and now we are just waiting to fill them with precious pictures of our little Peanut (only 27 more days till my due date, but maybe he'll come sooner).

We have another ultrasound on Monday to check on the little man's growth. I can't wait to see him and I hope that he will be more coorperative with the pictures this time. I want to get a glance at his cute little face. I can't believe how close we are and I can't wait to hold him in my arms.

34 Week Ultrasound

2010-01-05T21:02:00.005-05:00

We had our 34 week growth ultrasound with Peanut yesterday. We had been counting down the day to get to see our little man again. We were looking forward to the ultrasound all throughout the holidays and also telling ourselves that it will be the last time we'll see him on a monitor. In our minds, the next time we would get to see him it would be on his birthday.

Yesterday's stats are as follows: Peanut is supposedly a BIG baby (causing a little panic on my end). At 34 weeks 3 days, he is measuring ahead - he is measuring 35 weeks 6 days. His current estimated weight is approximately 6 lbs 10 oz. His head, arms and leg only measure about 1 week ahead; however, his abdomen was in the 98% percentile for his gestational age. Maybe he had just finished with his breakfast? After all, my appointment was at 8.30AM.

Much to our surprise, we were told to come back for another growth ultrasound in 2 weeks. I am happy to go back to see him again; however, we were sort of hoping that the next time we'll see him we'll actually get to hold him. I am hoping that when I meet with my OB at my next appointment, which is Friday, that she will give me the option to be induced at 38 or 39 weeks. I know that is probably wishful thinking.

Here are some pictures of yesterday's ultrasound. Just like last time, he was not happy about having his pictures taken. He just did not want to move his little hand in front of his face. The pictures are still cute and his nose looks just like Lucas' nose. Can't wait to meet him.

* The pictures have a little glare to them since I had to take a picture of them to get them uploaded. I haven't been able to get them scanned in yet. Hope you'll still be able to see his cute little chubby cheeks.

A New Decade - Here we Come

2009-12-31T07:51:00.014-05:00

This last year has been a year full of challenges for us. If I say that it has been a difficult year, it's probably an understatement. But it also has been a good year in so many ways. While balancing our grief and paving our own little road through this journey of losing our little bundle of joy, we've also had some good times. We are blessed in so many ways and I can't imagine how we would have made it through this past year without the little joys and memories of 2009.

Like I said in a previous post, I try to focus on the good while balancing the sadness and here is a little recap of the times / moments that brought smiles to us during 2009:

Someone told me to think of a beautiful sunset as if Lucas is painting the sky. This is one of many sunsets that we got to see from our kitchen window. The thought of our baby boy painting the sky for us brings peace to mind.

We took a trip to Germany and Greece and saw many beautiful sights and visited friends & family. Here are some of my favorite pictures from our summer trip.

We found out that I am pregnant while on vacation in Germany this past summer. The pregnancy test is in German and made our trip even more memorable.

We took a short little weekend trip to the most magnificant and majestic place I can't get enough off. This has been my second trip to Niagra Falls and I will gladly go back again and again.

We had a birthday cake for Lucas' 1st Birthday. It was hard to decide what to do on his birthday without him being here. We wanted to make it a special day since it is and always will be a special day to us - we got to meet the most perfect little boy. As you can imagine, the day was hard but focusing my "mommy-energy" on his cake really helped me find a tiny bit joy.

My ever growing belly (shot taken at 33 weeks) makes me smiles daily even though it is bittersweet to be pregnant again 14 months after Lucas was born (I should be running after a 14 month old right now). Being pregnant and feeling Peanut wiggle in there is truly amazing and we are excited to meet him in the new year.

We are hopeful that the new decade ahead of us will bring many happy moments to our lives. We know that we will always miss Lucas and that from here on out it is a balancing act of missing the little guy and being the best parents we can be to Peanut (and no.....we have not been able to decide on a name yet).

Happy New Year to Everyone.

13 Months Later

2009-12-24T06:19:00.003-05:00

Today, December 24th, Lucas would have been 14 months. Today exactly 13 months ago, we said goodbye to the most precious little boy and gift of our lives. His life and death changed us forever and at the same time taught, as well as continues to teach, us such wonderful lessons. There are many things that we learned during the past year, but most profoundly what we learned from Lucas can be summed up in two very profound words -- Love and Gratitude.

Love…
The dictionary describes Love as “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or friend.” Our little guy taught us that there is no greater love and joy that comes with holding your child in your arms. We knew as he was growing inside my tummy that we would love him, but never had we imagined that a parents’ love for their son is so deep and infinite. There truly is no greater joy on this earth then feeling that love first hand. Our lives are changed forever, for the better, by experiencing this love for him. We also learned that the love for our son made our love stronger. I loved my husband before we had Lucas, but this love changed during the 4 weeks of our baby’s life by significant magnitudes when I saw him holding Lucas and the two of them just looking into each other’s eyes. Today and any other day, we miss him deeply but we also feel truly blessed to know that our little bundle of joy is in the happiest and safest place there is surrounded by the greatest love of all.

Gratitude…
The dictionary describes gratitude as “an appreciative attitude for what one has received; it indicates a warm or deep appreciation of personal kindness.” And how grateful we are for all the personal kindness that has come our way over the past year. We knew that we have kind, loving and caring family as well as a great group of friends. However, we are humbled and in awe of the love and support that has poured out to us over the last year. The selflessness of our friends that were there, and continue to be there, during the most difficult time of our lives continues to amaze us. We are forever grateful to those who have been there for us and the thank you’s that have been said don’t seem nearly enough to show our appreciation. Nonetheless, THANK YOU to each and every one of you for every hug, card, for flowers, food, gifts, visits, for visiting us when Lucas was born and making memories with him while he was here on earth with us, for listening, for offering a shoulder to cry on, for crying with us, for just sitting with us silently, for helping plan and attending his funeral, for loving us even at our darkest hours, for reminding us to laugh and creating distractions, for loving and missing our little boy too, and for every single kind word, thought and prayer that you shared with us. We are so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful and generous people in our lives.

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and hope that the New Year will be filled with many special moments for each and everyone of you.

Little Things in Life

2009-12-19T07:33:00.005-05:00

I have always been the kind of person that appreciates the little things in life. However, since we lost Lucas I feel that I do appreciate them now even more than ever. I know nothing is a given in life and things can change from one second to the next. So, I try to make an effort to enjoy the happy moments I have and hold on to them to make it through the not so happy ones. There is a quote by Henry Louis Mencken that puts this into words perfectly - "You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."

Now, to the actual reason why I wanted to post this morning.....I met a friend for lunch the other day and not only did she help me run some of my much procrastinated errands, but she also gave me a little something (little only in size, huge in meaning) for Peanut. It really just touched me and I am so lucky to be surrounded by thoughtful and caring friends like her.

Here is what she got for Peanut - it is the cutest thing ever and I can't wait to pull this out every year when we decorate our tree and tell Peanut year after year why he got this.

The little ornament is so adorable and brought tears to my eyes. We will find a very special place for it on our tree this year and I am certain that it will delight us when we unwrap it with the start of each and every christmas season that is to come for our family.

The ornament also has a description of "Peanuts" that reads the following: Peanuts symbolize mystery since their shells completely hide their contents. Called "treasures" beneath the ground." How true! There is the little treasure hiding inside of me and we can't wait to meet him. Only 6-8 more weeks to go (hopefully he decides to make is entrance a few days before his due date).

65 Days

2009-12-09T13:53:00.012-05:00

We have 65 more days until Peanut’s due date. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed, but then it also has felt like it’s never ending. We still have not been able to decide on a name for our littlest peanut. We have a few “runner ups” and are sure that we will know in time which name will be perfect for him.

As of today, peanut has been quite the little kicker – I think he has soccer written in his future. He kicks first thing in the morning when my alarm comes on and has little kick sessions during the day. The most joyous kicking moments of all are the ones when his daddy talks to him and he responds by kicking right back at him. We have made this our little evening activity (usually during the commercial breaks). It is just so much fun to see that the little guy hears his dad and seems to be saying….”yeah, yeah…I am in here. Come and play with me.”

Here are the latest pictures of our little man from our ultrasound a few weeks back. He did not cooperate well and really did not want us to get a shot of his cute little face. The technician tried for a while but Peanut persisted to keep his face covered with his little hands. Almost as if to say "enough with the pictures already."

Peanut was measuring a week ahead of schedule and his estimated weight at 29 weeks was 3.2 lbs. I can’t believe that we only have one more ultrasound in January and then the next time we’ll see him, we will get to hold the little guy in our arms. Until then, there is much to do. As always, I leave everything for the last minute and really let time creep up on me. I have to pre-register with the hospital, schedule a meeting with the birth advisor, set up a meeting with our pediatrician, complete all my maternity leave paperwork, get myself into a baby store and run a bunch of errands to get ready for his arrival. Oh...and then there is Christmas. I have not gotten one single present yet.

In the meantime, I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year. This past weekend, I pulled out the boxes of Christmas decorations from our storage room and decorated the house. It felt good decorating and I love seeing all the little santas, snowman and miniature trees around the living room and kitchen. I decorated with a tear and a smile on my face. It is just such a bittersweet time of the year since Lucas would probably just be old enough now to be mesmerized by the lights and decorations. We are planning on going to the tree farm this upcoming weekend to cut our tree. I am glad we will be going again this year, but I already know that I will be hard at the same time.

"Technically"

2009-12-01T20:49:00.005-05:00

First of all, thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Some of you had posted questions about Lucas' story in the comments and I promise to answer those soon. It is hard for me to talk about it and has not gotten easier with time, but I found it even harder to put it into writing. It will come soon, though.

Today, I had a very strange conversation with a coworker at work. This coworker (Mrs. H) is a mother of two children and over the past months has been very kind and supportive. We were chatting about Thanksgiving, Christmas plans and Peanut's arrival (Lucas' little brother's name until we can decide on his actual name) when she made a comment that really did not sit right with me. I generally don't really like talking about this pregnancy too much, especially with strangers or acquaintances, since a lot of people give well meant advice and today was not going to be an exception. So, Mrs. H. goes on to say that I should make sure to have my hospital bag packed well in advance since this is "TECHNICALLY" my second pregnancy. Yes, she said "technically your second pregnancy."

I was taken so off guard and wasn't sure how to respond to her comment. I decided to bite my tongue, ignore what she said and politely end our chat since I stay away from those conversations when I am in the office (I just know too well how it would end). Now, I am sitting here and wish I could just tell her what I am thinking. First of, this is my second pregnancy and not just technically. It actually is. I have given birth to a little boy. I carried him full term and I am well aware that the second time around the baby may decide to show up a week or two earlier. And what do you mean "technically my second pregnancy?" Does giving birth to a little baby not count because he is not here with me on earth anymore? He grew inside my tummy for months and then lived with us for one month, so please don't make it seem like his little brother is my first pregnancy.

Those are the days when it seems like that you are only a mother if you have tangible evidence of your children. Things like keeping updated pictures at your desk, telling stories about their latest accomplishments or even bringing them to the office for a visit. It is hard for people to grasp that even though Lucas isn't here with me, he is still my son and I am still his mom. And this is actually my second pregnancy.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...."

2009-11-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day we said good bye to our little bundle of joy Lucas Alexander. November 24, 2008 is the day that our feet were pulled from under us. It is the day that we were told that our little boy is very sick and that things did not look good. It is the day that we left the emergency room empty handed and broken hearted. It is the day we were forced to start our new life, the day we had to begin our journey to make the best of our new "normal life." I decided that today would be the day to start a blog on how we are Learning to Dance in the Rain after the Storm and how we are continuously trying to balance our sadness of losing our little baby boy with the hopes for our future.

We are exactly one year into our grief and things do look a little brighter than they did a year ago; however, it is a never ending battle to make the best of our life as we now know it. Not one day passes that I do not think about the one month I had with this perfect little boy. He brought so much joy to us in such little time. We could never have asked for a better gift than him. While I remember the good times that we had with Lucas with a big smile and tears running down my face, I am deeply saddened by his loss. I feel a void, big emptiness, in my heart as if someone ripped a piece out of it. The pain of losing our firstborn son, is like no pain I have ever felt before. I think it is best described as someone stabbing you in your chest, grabbing your heart and squeezing all life out of it. It is a heartache that is far greater than what is described in romance novels and I have come to experience that heartache is not just fiction, it actually does exist . The pain lessened over time and the outburst are much more controlled now. Most of the time, I am able to tell in advance before the tears come streaming down and I manage to avoid having outbursts in public now (this is not 100% perfected by any means).

I will not be able to describe what the past year has been like and how we managed to go about our day to day activity. However, a quote by Ted Kennedy that a good friend of mine wrote to me in a letter on Lucas' first birthday, says it all too well.

"As you know so well, the passage of time never really heals the tragic memory of such a great loss, but we carry on because we have to, because our loved one would want us to and because there is still light to guide us in the world from the love they gave us!"

We are where we are today, just because Lucas would want us to be happy again. Lucas would want us to find joy in life and to smile again. Lucas wants us to remember the happy days we had with him and he wants us to continue life and try to find our way through this difficult journey. We are pulling through for him while graciously keeping him in our hearts and memory.