You are my Sunshine

I absolutely love Anne Murray's song and it is just perfect on days when things don't look so sunny. I don't know how we'd be making it through the day to day agony of losing our sweet Lucas without his little brother putting smiles on our faces.


You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Smilers never loose
And Frowners never win
So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in

Happy (Belated) 3rd Birthday!

Another year has passed and we celebrated Lucas 3rd birthday on Monday without our sweet little boy once again. I'd love to say that it was a good day, but to be quite truthful it hit me pretty hard. Sort of unexpected but not surprisingly. I've been in a funk all week and feel like a bus has run over me, hence the late birthday post.



Of course, we continued the tradition of baking Lucas his "rainbow" birthday cake. It's a peaceful process that I enjoy quite a bit. This year it was sweetened by a little boy tugging on my pant legs to get a lick of the cream cheese icing.





After we ate some of Lucas' cake, we headed over to the cemetery to release some balloons with birthday wishes for our sweetheart. Max was a big helper and was great about letting the balloons go. Almost as if he understands that they are for his big brother. We expected tears once the balloons would be gone. On the contrary Max asked for more balloons to be sent up to heaven. How I wish I could see them share toys and play with each other.



Sweet Lucas, happy 3rd birthday. I hope you had a great day with lots of cake, balloons and wonderful friends. We miss you terribly and wish we'd be able to give you a big birthday cuddle. Love always, your Mommy.

Little Brother!

Lucas and Max are going to have a little brother. Another boy is joining our family of four and we couldn't be more delighted. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant and this little boy is due to arrive on February 5, 2012, which coincidentally is Max's 2nd birthday. I know that the due date rarely ever is the actual day a woman delivers, but I look at this as my good luck charm.



Of course, being pregnant is an emotional rollercoaster and even though it is not as intense and scary as with Max, it still is getting the best of me at times especially since my peri has discovered that I have placenta previa in addition to PAAP-A. We are hopeful that the placenta previa will disappear as this pregnancy progresses. The PAAP-A (pregnancy associated plasma protein) has me a little bit on my tiptoes. I made the HUGE mistake of googling it and words like intrauterin growth restrictions, premature birth, preeclampsia, stillbirth and others jumped out from my computer screen. After discussing my prenatal care plan with my peri, I feel a little more at ease. It seems as though he has a good plan of detection / prevention.

For now, we are enjoying every minutes of anticipating the safe arrival of this little boy. I especially love when Max cuddles with my belly and proclaims baby. He showers his little brother with hugs and kisses and I can't wait to see these little boy grow up together.

2 Years, 8 months, 1 Week & 2 Days

It is hard to really put things into words when part of your heart has a huge hole in it and the other part is filled with endless joy. I call it the Lucas-shaped hole of our family. A piece of us is missing and it will be forever missing.

When I look at Max I often wonder if Lucas would have been just as energetic, funny, loving and affectionate as Max. Or maybe Lucas would have been much more mellow and reserved like his Dad. I wonder if their hair would have been the same or if Lucas would have loved all sorts of fruits & veggies just as much as Max does.

Having Max has brought us so much happiness and he's a constant reminder of Lucas, but a reminder in a good way. I don't look at him necessarily with tear-filled eyes. I look at him smiling about all the funny things he does and remember my cutie pie Lucas.


So yes...things have been quiet over here, very quiet. It's mainly due to the fact that I feel like a broken record. I don't know what else to say other than that I am eternally going to miss my first born son all the while enjoying every single moment with his little brother.

And of course all the raving about Max calls for some updated pictures.

We are working on the "say cheese" for the camera. Still have some more work to do.


Germans believe that a good breakfast starts with Nutella. And combined with my favorite American breakfast item - pancakes - you get this happy face.


One of my favorite things...hugs and kisses from Max.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back. ~ Erma Bombeck ~

I think about Lucas, my first son I don't get to see grow up. I think about Max, and how he would not be here if Lucas still was. I think about how lucky we are to have Max, such an amazing little boy with such an easy going and happy nature. And then I wonder if Lucas' personality would’ve been like Max’s or completely different. I think about what Lucas would look like now. Would he and Max have looked the same? Would Lucas have had the same cheerful smile and "sometimes" curly hair like his brother? Or would they have been their own unique selves and not even have looked or acted like siblings.

Happy belated Mother's day to all mothers out there.

Lightning never strikes twice..

in the same place! Or does it? This has really been on my mind a lot lately. Max is 13 months now and we have always had the intentions to have children close in age (as in less than 2 years age difference). I just think it would be great for Max to have a playmate and to grow up with a sibling here on earth. Unfortunately, Lucas will never be the kind of brother to play outside with Max or to walk down the isle by his side as his best man. So we really would like to add to our little family, but I am scared beyond words. Once again...all over.

I love our day to day life right now. Things are in a good place. We are genuinely happy and love everything about our little peanut. Of course we miss Lucas and wish he'd be here with us, but it's not as heartbreaking anymore.

Myths say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place and I would love to believe that, but what if it would? Should we really jeopardise what we have right now? Should we put Max and us for that matter through a potential tragedy? I am not certain if I'd be able to pick up the pieces again afterwards and that would mean that Max would have a nutcase of a mother.

I wish there'd be a guarantee for things like pregnancy. You know a warranty that states, once you are pregnant you are guaranteed to raise a healthy little boy or girl.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Hard to believe that the day of Max's 1st Birthday has come and gone in no time. I still remember so vividly how much I was looking forward to meeting our little Peanut in the days approaching February 5, 2010 (and of course throughout the entire pregnancy). And now he's been with us for an entire year. I can't even begin to put into words how much joy and happiness this little person has brought to our family. Max went from infant to toddler in no time.




Max is full of personality and just a happy little boy all around. He is all boy - trouble through and through. He loves to take things apart, inspect all odds and ends of his toys and if he could he'd open everything up. Just this morning he was sitting under my desk using a pen to "pretend" unscrew a screw. Max has been walking for a while now and he is getting pretty fast. I see a lot of chasing after him in my near future. He loves his upright position and has a blast exploring the world around him. He is fascinated by dogs and cats. He tries to chase after them to touch them. I believe his intentions are good and he just wants to pet them, but sometimes he ends up pulling their furs just a little too hard. Max also loves to look at his books. He calls out "Beh" and pulls a book from his shelf and then returns returns back to me or his daddy to sit in our lap to read the book to him.

We are so truly blessed to have Max in our lives and last year was a year filled with happiness, giggles and much laughter all thanks to Max. Here is a little recap of the monthly photo shoots that poor Max had to endure.

Scrabble

Max and I were playing with his blocks earlier today when this dawned on me:



It took me almost a year to figure this out. Love seeing their names together like that. And notice how it is a perfect symmetrical cross.

A Must Read

With Max finally sleeping through the nights, I have been able to pick up some books that have been on my reading list for a long time. One of these books is "An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken.

The book is a memoir about McCracken's stillbirth of her baby boy and a subsequent pregnancy. The author applies honesty, wisdom and even wit to a painful event. I have been finding so many similarities between her and my emotions (with the big difference being that I would never be able to put them into words the way McCracken did).

Ultimately, “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination” is sad and at times tear-inducing. ­McCracken offers an unstinting account of her grief and the outlying emotions it engenders, from embarrassment to feelings of failure to misdirected anger. It definitely is a good read and I would highly suggest it to anyone who has not experienced the loss of a child but knows someone close to them who has experienced such a loss. The book will provide much inside to the many aspects of grieving a baby or child.

I will leave you with one of the most moving passages from the book. ­McCracken imagines her tragedy as a comic book in which her baby is fine in one panel, and then: “In the next panel, seconds later, something is supposed to intervene. . . . But Superman never shows. I can see it so clearly. In one panel we are safe and stupid. In the next we’re only stupid.”

Heart of the Matter

I am currently reading a book (Emily Griffin's "Heart of the Matter")...a just for fun book with no mention of infant loss and the darkness that follows.

So as I picked up the book this evening all curled up on the sofa, this is what it's first page revealed:

"Whenever I hear of someone else's tragedy, I do not dwell on the accident or diagnosis, or even the initial shock waves or aftermath of grief. Instead, I find myself reconstructing those final ordinary moments. Moments that make up our lives. Moments that were blissfully taken for granted - and that likely would have been forgotten altogether but for what followed. The before snapshot."

This whole weekend I have been thinking about the "ordinary" things that we did during our last weekend with Lucas. This weekend just 2 years ago, we took our little bundle of joy out for his first trip to the babystore, which is about a 30 minute drive away from our house. I remember how nervous we were to drag him out there. I was planning on nursing him in the car, so we even dragged the Bobby pillow with us. I remember how proudly we walked through the store and how strangers would give complements on Lucas' beautiful big brown eyes. I also remember that it was a nice sunny fall weekend. The air was chilly and Lucas was all bundled up. He slept for most of the time that we were out and we were so excited that the little trip went well. We discussed at length how happy we were that our little man was with us on the way home. We stopped at Chipotle to pick up lunch. We came home and discovered that our heat had turnt off. My husband later discovered that the heater was broken and frantically went to Home Depot to purchase some space heaters. We spend the rest of the afternoon and evening upstairs in the bedroom with the door closed to keep the heat in the room. I played with Lucas and he smiled for the first time at me. I even was able to get a snapshot of his smile. Most importantly, I remember how blissfully happy we were.

I wonder if I'd remember all those little things about our ordinary weekend if it wasn't for what happened.

What a great Surprise

We returned from a great trip to Germany and England and had a fabulous time. We spent a ton of time with my parents, brothers & sister as well as good friends. We also enjoyed a ton of good food and were just happy as can be being together as a family 24/7.

Today as I was looking through our pictures I saw these two below and was so surprised to see who made an appearance in the pictures. Just look right over my shoulder and you can see a very special little boy being part of this fun time with my baby brother, Willy. Those are the little things that just brighten my day and fill my heart with joy.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweet Lucas

My little bundle of joy, we wishing you a wonderful 2nd birthday. Hoping that you are having a fun party up there in heaven with lots of yummy cupcakes, balloons and of course many loving friends. We miss you terribly every second of every day and wish that we could have woken you up this morning with lots of birthday kisses.

Here is the birthday cake Mommy baked for you. I know you've seen it already from heaven since it was done yesterday but thought I'll share the pictures. Mommy baked the cake last year for your 1st birthday for the first time and I just love to spend the entire day to bake this cake for you. It gives mommy lots of time to remember every little bit about you, the day we first met and the wonderful month that we spent together as a family. This is your special cake and I will continue to bake it for your birthdays all those years to come.







We also took some balloons to the cemetery for you along with some pretty flowers that Oma & Opa all the way from Germany sent for you. And of course, we let some balloons go up to the sky with our birthday notes. Hope you got them. Oh and I also hope that you don't mind that we let your little brother keep one balloon. Max really liked them and I am certain that you would have loved to share with your little brother.






Love you endlessly,
your Mommy, Daddy and Max

Healing Power

With Lucas' 2nd birthday being only about 2 weeks away, I am really amazed at how Max as an addition to our family has helped our hearts to heal. He brings so much joy to us and really has showed us over the past 8 months that we are still capable of being a happy family. A family that is missing a little boy in every single picture, on family trips, holidays, birthdays and during our day to day activities, but happy nonetheless. Smiles, giggles and even laughter that comes from deep down your stomach (you know the one that makes your eyes tear and makes you hold your stomach) have made their way back into our house these past few months. I can truly say that I am happy these days.

I think of Lucas often and miss him terribly, but it's different these days. It does not hurt as terribly. It's more of a constant little sting. Of course I wish that Lucas was still here. And if there was anything in my power that I could do to change what has happened I would give 110% or more to reverse it.

Max, my little man, you will never know how much you have changed our lives. When I thought that I would never be capable of being happy, you slowly made your way deep down into my heart and started fixing what was shattered into millions of little pieces after we lost your big brother. With every little smile, giggle, touch, hug and now even kisses you put the broken pieces back together like a puzzle while constantly reminding me of your big brother Lucas. Both of you are so precious to me. Even though my heart will never be whole again and there will always be something missing for as long as I live, it is as close to being whole as it can get and it's all thanks to you my little sunshine.

Here are some long overdue pictures of Max (it was tough picking on the pics, so there are quite a few).

Will it ever Stop?

With Max getting older and us venturing out more and more, it has been inevitable that we meet other Mom's with children that are almost 2 years old. Whether we are at the library, the pool, the park our the playground, we meet Mom's with young children. Lately, the tough part is when we strike up a conversation and the casual question of "how old is your child" gets the response that he or she is almost 2 years old. It immediately causes a big sting in my heart and I have to fight back tears. It is just so hard to swallow that Lucas would be their age right now. And it just hurts so much to see them interact with Max and it hurts even more to see Max all fascinated by the older children. I am sure he would love to have a big brother around to show him the ropes.

Hope that the intensity of this pain will lessen as time goes by. Just another facet of the grief journey that I will have to live with since I am not certain that this will never fully stop.

As always, missing our sweet Lucas.

Day of Hope

Remembering my sweet Lucas today and every day.

A Beach Trip

We made it and took our annual beach trip, but the trip was more than just a visit to the beautiful sand and crashing waves of the ocean. I've always loved the ocean and back then when it was still just me and the hub, we'd go to the beach at least once a year. Then the summer of 2008, it was me, the hub and our sweet Lucas growing in my tummy. We felt so incredibly happy and couldn't wait for our trip to the beach the following summer.

Last summer, I could not even fathom to think about going to the beach. My dreams of taking my little 8 month old boy to the beach were destroyed. We were devastated and barely managed to do our day to day activities. We just weren't in a happy place and for sure not in a place to go to the beach and see all the happy parents with their little ones playing in the waves or sand. We've just lost too much and the pain of missing Lucas was too raw and most days just plain unbearable.

This summer, we took Max to the beach and what a wonderful trip it was. There was much laughter and joy. We still missed having Lucas with us and reminisced about having a 20 month old to watch after in addition to our 5 month old. We will never be complete and will always miss our little angel, but we are also in a place were happiness is surrounding us daily thanks to Lucas' little brother.

Another 24th

It is hard to believe how time has flown by since we last held Lucas in our arms. So many things have changed. It's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and yet on the 24th of each month I still feel the aching pain, yet not as sharp as it once was, in my chest.

Having an infant at home really has taken up all of my time, which I am so grateful for. However, when I try to really reflect and understand how I am doing with my grief, I don't get very far. I am either too exhausted by the end of the day or Max is ready for another feeding.

I know I am better and most of the time I can say that I have come to terms with what has happened to us. I still don't understand why it had to happen to us and probably never never will. And then at times I just wish I could turn back time and know the things I know now. How badly I wish that would have been able to tell the doctors that Lucas had a heart defect.

So today it's been 19 months since that awful day in the emergency room, 19 months of pain, anger, sadness and devastation. But it's also been 19 weeks trying to balance the pure joy that Lucas' little brother has brought to us alongside the missing of our Angel.

The Shirt Says it all

Max you mean the world to me and your Daddy. You have been with us for 4 months now and you have been such a blessing for our hearts and souls. Even on our darkest and most uggliest days you make us smile. We were often told that having a you after your big brother passed would help us find joy in our lives again. You have brought so much happiness to us in such a short time, so when I saw this shirt I knew you just had to have. "YOU ARE OUR (MY) SUNSHINE."

Avoidance

Avoidance is not an official stage in the grieving process as described by many experts. However, as many of you know we all grief the loss of our little ones differently. I have discovered and it has become quite clear to me over the past month or so that avoidance is part of my grieving process.

I feel terribly guilty, ashamed and sad that I have been avoiding this for so long. Lucas has been gone for 19 months now and I still have not been able to do this one last final thing. We have not been able to decide on Lucas' headstone. His grave only has his temporary headstone because I have been avoiding the decision for so long and it is now turning into guilt.

We have discussed what we would like to put on his headstone several times, but then could never place the order and make it final. Buying the headstone makes his death so final and permanent. I just can't bring myself to do it and I wish that someone could make the decision for me. Also, it seems that I somehow want the headstone to show how much we love him and how much he is missed. But no words can really do that and I just need to come to the realization that it is not the headstone that shows our love for him. It is how we carry him in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

Missing our little boy terribly.

3 Months Old

Time really has been flying by these days and on most days I am not even certain what date it is. Max is now 3 months old and I can't even begin to express how much joy this little man has brought to us.

Here are some pics of his 3 months home photo shoot (he really didn't want to smile for the camera yesterday):