Another 24th

It is hard to believe how time has flown by since we last held Lucas in our arms. So many things have changed. It's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and yet on the 24th of each month I still feel the aching pain, yet not as sharp as it once was, in my chest.

Having an infant at home really has taken up all of my time, which I am so grateful for. However, when I try to really reflect and understand how I am doing with my grief, I don't get very far. I am either too exhausted by the end of the day or Max is ready for another feeding.

I know I am better and most of the time I can say that I have come to terms with what has happened to us. I still don't understand why it had to happen to us and probably never never will. And then at times I just wish I could turn back time and know the things I know now. How badly I wish that would have been able to tell the doctors that Lucas had a heart defect.

So today it's been 19 months since that awful day in the emergency room, 19 months of pain, anger, sadness and devastation. But it's also been 19 weeks trying to balance the pure joy that Lucas' little brother has brought to us alongside the missing of our Angel.

The Shirt Says it all

Max you mean the world to me and your Daddy. You have been with us for 4 months now and you have been such a blessing for our hearts and souls. Even on our darkest and most uggliest days you make us smile. We were often told that having a you after your big brother passed would help us find joy in our lives again. You have brought so much happiness to us in such a short time, so when I saw this shirt I knew you just had to have. "YOU ARE OUR (MY) SUNSHINE."

Avoidance

Avoidance is not an official stage in the grieving process as described by many experts. However, as many of you know we all grief the loss of our little ones differently. I have discovered and it has become quite clear to me over the past month or so that avoidance is part of my grieving process.

I feel terribly guilty, ashamed and sad that I have been avoiding this for so long. Lucas has been gone for 19 months now and I still have not been able to do this one last final thing. We have not been able to decide on Lucas' headstone. His grave only has his temporary headstone because I have been avoiding the decision for so long and it is now turning into guilt.

We have discussed what we would like to put on his headstone several times, but then could never place the order and make it final. Buying the headstone makes his death so final and permanent. I just can't bring myself to do it and I wish that someone could make the decision for me. Also, it seems that I somehow want the headstone to show how much we love him and how much he is missed. But no words can really do that and I just need to come to the realization that it is not the headstone that shows our love for him. It is how we carry him in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

Missing our little boy terribly.

3 Months Old

Time really has been flying by these days and on most days I am not even certain what date it is. Max is now 3 months old and I can't even begin to express how much joy this little man has brought to us.

Here are some pics of his 3 months home photo shoot (he really didn't want to smile for the camera yesterday):

A Special Day

Someone very special to the world of miscarriages, stillbirths and infant death has put it upon herself to designate May 2nd as the International Babylost Mothers Day. The day is of great significance for any mom who has lost her child or even children especially if she does not have any other children on earth. Just because a women loses her only child does not mean she is not a mother anymore. She is a mother with all of her heart and soul and deserves to be celebrated as a Mom.



I remember last year's Mothers Day. It was supposed to be my first Mothers Day and I was looking forward to it while being pregnant with Lucas, but it was not the happy event that I had hoped for. The day felt empty and it was just plain horrible. To the outside world I did not look like a Mom and to most of my family & friends I was a Mom for the one month that Lucas was with us. Needless to say, I felt out of place and just plain miserable on a day where Moms get lots of hugs and kisses from their children.

Thank you Carly for creating a day for all Mom's who have lost their children.

11 Weeks

Our little Max is 11 weeks today. Time is flying by and I can't believe that April is almost over, which means May is right around the corner. May is the last month of me staying at home. Come June 1st I will have to go back to work and I am not looking forward to leaving my cutie. I don't even like going upstairs to take a nap because I don't want to miss out on anything he does.

Max has been doing great. He is growing and thriving. He has become quite the chatter cat and loves to smile. It is so rewarding to get his little grin when you talk to him. My favorite part of the day is waking up in the morning. Max sleeps in the middle of our bed and when I open my eyes I get the most adorable smile from him.

Here are some newer pictures of Max:





Yesterday, we had a special little get together. Over the past year I have become friends with two other baby loss moms our area. We met at an infant loss group and have been supporting each other through the winding roads of grief, grieving while hopefully expecting and grieving while enjoying our rainbow babies. Stacy and Carly have been a tremendous help to me and I am beyond thankful that they live so close to me and that we are able to get together whenever we would like to.

Here are some pictures of our rainbow babies, Eliana, Finn and Max. It was hard to get all three of them to look into the camera, but maybe next time around all three of them will be able to sit up a little better. Also, check out Stacy's blog for more pictures .

You Never Know When....

Since Max has been born, we have been thinking and talking a lot about Lucas. There are always tears when we talk about our little angel in our house, but they are controlled and in the comfort of our home.

The other day Max and I went to our favorite store, Target, and I ended up browsing the baby clothes aisles to see if they had anything cute that I would want to buy. And there it was...the cutest onesie in bright green that caught my eye . The second I turned it around to look at its front, the tears started rolling. The front read "Best Little Brother in the World." It hit me hard right then and there in the middle of Target. I dropped everything I had in my hands and just made my way to the exit as fast as I could.

Max is the little brother but he will never get to do "brother-things" with his big brother. He'll never get to take away Lucas' toys or run after him. He'll never get to hug and kiss his big brother and they'll never get to have a fight.

You never know when it may hit you and how hard it will hit you.