Avoidance is not an official stage in the grieving process as described by many experts. However, as many of you know we all grief the loss of our little ones differently. I have discovered and it has become quite clear to me over the past month or so that avoidance is part of my grieving process.
I feel terribly guilty, ashamed and sad that I have been avoiding this for so long. Lucas has been gone for 19 months now and I still have not been able to do this one last final thing. We have not been able to decide on Lucas' headstone. His grave only has his temporary headstone because I have been avoiding the decision for so long and it is now turning into guilt.
We have discussed what we would like to put on his headstone several times, but then could never place the order and make it final. Buying the headstone makes his death so final and permanent. I just can't bring myself to do it and I wish that someone could make the decision for me. Also, it seems that I somehow want the headstone to show how much we love him and how much he is missed. But no words can really do that and I just need to come to the realization that it is not the headstone that shows our love for him. It is how we carry him in our hearts for the rest of our lives.
Missing our little boy terribly.
It's a hard thing to do... it is so final. It's like the one last thing you can do for them. Thinking of you guys as you figure it out :) Once you decide and the stone is in, I would love to go with you one day to see it in person.
ReplyDeleteSusi, don't feel guilty, what a difficult thing to do. You love him so much and probably just want it to be perfect. As you said though, it is not the headstone, it is your love for him and that you carry him in your heart always. Thinking of you as you make your decisions about this.
ReplyDeleteTry not to let the guilt eat you up. Been there done it! What I think helped up most when we did Elizabeth's grave marker is that I designed it myself. It was the last thing that I could do FOR her. We looked and looed and I found NOTHING that was perfect for HER. I didn't want what everyone else had. She was her own person and I wanted her to have something all her own. So I designed it myself. Her daddy, bless him Lord, wanted to do something too. So we decided that he and his dad would place her marker themselves! It was wonderful. It was the last thing that WE could do. It was actaully therapeutic for us. I have pictures of it. It really blessed us to do it. YOU will know when the time for YOU is right. Just wait for it!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you real big!