You are my Sunshine

I absolutely love Anne Murray's song and it is just perfect on days when things don't look so sunny. I don't know how we'd be making it through the day to day agony of losing our sweet Lucas without his little brother putting smiles on our faces.


You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Smilers never loose
And Frowners never win
So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in

Happy (Belated) 3rd Birthday!

Another year has passed and we celebrated Lucas 3rd birthday on Monday without our sweet little boy once again. I'd love to say that it was a good day, but to be quite truthful it hit me pretty hard. Sort of unexpected but not surprisingly. I've been in a funk all week and feel like a bus has run over me, hence the late birthday post.



Of course, we continued the tradition of baking Lucas his "rainbow" birthday cake. It's a peaceful process that I enjoy quite a bit. This year it was sweetened by a little boy tugging on my pant legs to get a lick of the cream cheese icing.





After we ate some of Lucas' cake, we headed over to the cemetery to release some balloons with birthday wishes for our sweetheart. Max was a big helper and was great about letting the balloons go. Almost as if he understands that they are for his big brother. We expected tears once the balloons would be gone. On the contrary Max asked for more balloons to be sent up to heaven. How I wish I could see them share toys and play with each other.



Sweet Lucas, happy 3rd birthday. I hope you had a great day with lots of cake, balloons and wonderful friends. We miss you terribly and wish we'd be able to give you a big birthday cuddle. Love always, your Mommy.

Little Brother!

Lucas and Max are going to have a little brother. Another boy is joining our family of four and we couldn't be more delighted. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant and this little boy is due to arrive on February 5, 2012, which coincidentally is Max's 2nd birthday. I know that the due date rarely ever is the actual day a woman delivers, but I look at this as my good luck charm.



Of course, being pregnant is an emotional rollercoaster and even though it is not as intense and scary as with Max, it still is getting the best of me at times especially since my peri has discovered that I have placenta previa in addition to PAAP-A. We are hopeful that the placenta previa will disappear as this pregnancy progresses. The PAAP-A (pregnancy associated plasma protein) has me a little bit on my tiptoes. I made the HUGE mistake of googling it and words like intrauterin growth restrictions, premature birth, preeclampsia, stillbirth and others jumped out from my computer screen. After discussing my prenatal care plan with my peri, I feel a little more at ease. It seems as though he has a good plan of detection / prevention.

For now, we are enjoying every minutes of anticipating the safe arrival of this little boy. I especially love when Max cuddles with my belly and proclaims baby. He showers his little brother with hugs and kisses and I can't wait to see these little boy grow up together.

2 Years, 8 months, 1 Week & 2 Days

It is hard to really put things into words when part of your heart has a huge hole in it and the other part is filled with endless joy. I call it the Lucas-shaped hole of our family. A piece of us is missing and it will be forever missing.

When I look at Max I often wonder if Lucas would have been just as energetic, funny, loving and affectionate as Max. Or maybe Lucas would have been much more mellow and reserved like his Dad. I wonder if their hair would have been the same or if Lucas would have loved all sorts of fruits & veggies just as much as Max does.

Having Max has brought us so much happiness and he's a constant reminder of Lucas, but a reminder in a good way. I don't look at him necessarily with tear-filled eyes. I look at him smiling about all the funny things he does and remember my cutie pie Lucas.


So yes...things have been quiet over here, very quiet. It's mainly due to the fact that I feel like a broken record. I don't know what else to say other than that I am eternally going to miss my first born son all the while enjoying every single moment with his little brother.

And of course all the raving about Max calls for some updated pictures.

We are working on the "say cheese" for the camera. Still have some more work to do.


Germans believe that a good breakfast starts with Nutella. And combined with my favorite American breakfast item - pancakes - you get this happy face.


One of my favorite things...hugs and kisses from Max.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back. ~ Erma Bombeck ~

I think about Lucas, my first son I don't get to see grow up. I think about Max, and how he would not be here if Lucas still was. I think about how lucky we are to have Max, such an amazing little boy with such an easy going and happy nature. And then I wonder if Lucas' personality would’ve been like Max’s or completely different. I think about what Lucas would look like now. Would he and Max have looked the same? Would Lucas have had the same cheerful smile and "sometimes" curly hair like his brother? Or would they have been their own unique selves and not even have looked or acted like siblings.

Happy belated Mother's day to all mothers out there.

Lightning never strikes twice..

in the same place! Or does it? This has really been on my mind a lot lately. Max is 13 months now and we have always had the intentions to have children close in age (as in less than 2 years age difference). I just think it would be great for Max to have a playmate and to grow up with a sibling here on earth. Unfortunately, Lucas will never be the kind of brother to play outside with Max or to walk down the isle by his side as his best man. So we really would like to add to our little family, but I am scared beyond words. Once again...all over.

I love our day to day life right now. Things are in a good place. We are genuinely happy and love everything about our little peanut. Of course we miss Lucas and wish he'd be here with us, but it's not as heartbreaking anymore.

Myths say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place and I would love to believe that, but what if it would? Should we really jeopardise what we have right now? Should we put Max and us for that matter through a potential tragedy? I am not certain if I'd be able to pick up the pieces again afterwards and that would mean that Max would have a nutcase of a mother.

I wish there'd be a guarantee for things like pregnancy. You know a warranty that states, once you are pregnant you are guaranteed to raise a healthy little boy or girl.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Hard to believe that the day of Max's 1st Birthday has come and gone in no time. I still remember so vividly how much I was looking forward to meeting our little Peanut in the days approaching February 5, 2010 (and of course throughout the entire pregnancy). And now he's been with us for an entire year. I can't even begin to put into words how much joy and happiness this little person has brought to our family. Max went from infant to toddler in no time.




Max is full of personality and just a happy little boy all around. He is all boy - trouble through and through. He loves to take things apart, inspect all odds and ends of his toys and if he could he'd open everything up. Just this morning he was sitting under my desk using a pen to "pretend" unscrew a screw. Max has been walking for a while now and he is getting pretty fast. I see a lot of chasing after him in my near future. He loves his upright position and has a blast exploring the world around him. He is fascinated by dogs and cats. He tries to chase after them to touch them. I believe his intentions are good and he just wants to pet them, but sometimes he ends up pulling their furs just a little too hard. Max also loves to look at his books. He calls out "Beh" and pulls a book from his shelf and then returns returns back to me or his daddy to sit in our lap to read the book to him.

We are so truly blessed to have Max in our lives and last year was a year filled with happiness, giggles and much laughter all thanks to Max. Here is a little recap of the monthly photo shoots that poor Max had to endure.

Scrabble

Max and I were playing with his blocks earlier today when this dawned on me:



It took me almost a year to figure this out. Love seeing their names together like that. And notice how it is a perfect symmetrical cross.