Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Decade - Here we Come

This last year has been a year full of challenges for us. If I say that it has been a difficult year, it's probably an understatement. But it also has been a good year in so many ways. While balancing our grief and paving our own little road through this journey of losing our little bundle of joy, we've also had some good times. We are blessed in so many ways and I can't imagine how we would have made it through this past year without the little joys and memories of 2009.

Like I said in a previous post, I try to focus on the good while balancing the sadness and here is a little recap of the times / moments that brought smiles to us during 2009:

Someone told me to think of a beautiful sunset as if Lucas is painting the sky. This is one of many sunsets that we got to see from our kitchen window. The thought of our baby boy painting the sky for us brings peace to mind.

We took a trip to Germany and Greece and saw many beautiful sights and visited friends & family. Here are some of my favorite pictures from our summer trip.

We found out that I am pregnant while on vacation in Germany this past summer. The pregnancy test is in German and made our trip even more memorable.

We took a short little weekend trip to the most magnificant and majestic place I can't get enough off. This has been my second trip to Niagra Falls and I will gladly go back again and again.

We had a birthday cake for Lucas' 1st Birthday. It was hard to decide what to do on his birthday without him being here. We wanted to make it a special day since it is and always will be a special day to us - we got to meet the most perfect little boy. As you can imagine, the day was hard but focusing my "mommy-energy" on his cake really helped me find a tiny bit joy.

My ever growing belly (shot taken at 33 weeks) makes me smiles daily even though it is bittersweet to be pregnant again 14 months after Lucas was born (I should be running after a 14 month old right now). Being pregnant and feeling Peanut wiggle in there is truly amazing and we are excited to meet him in the new year.

We are hopeful that the new decade ahead of us will bring many happy moments to our lives. We know that we will always miss Lucas and that from here on out it is a balancing act of missing the little guy and being the best parents we can be to Peanut (and no.....we have not been able to decide on a name yet).

Happy New Year to Everyone.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

13 Months Later

Today, December 24th, Lucas would have been 14 months. Today exactly 13 months ago, we said goodbye to the most precious little boy and gift of our lives. His life and death changed us forever and at the same time taught, as well as continues to teach, us such wonderful lessons. There are many things that we learned during the past year, but most profoundly what we learned from Lucas can be summed up in two very profound words -- Love and Gratitude.

The dictionary describes Love as “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or friend.” Our little guy taught us that there is no greater love and joy that comes with holding your child in your arms. We knew as he was growing inside my tummy that we would love him, but never had we imagined that a parents’ love for their son is so deep and infinite. There truly is no greater joy on this earth then feeling that love first hand. Our lives are changed forever, for the better, by experiencing this love for him. We also learned that the love for our son made our love stronger. I loved my husband before we had Lucas, but this love changed during the 4 weeks of our baby’s life by significant magnitudes when I saw him holding Lucas and the two of them just looking into each other’s eyes. Today and any other day, we miss him deeply but we also feel truly blessed to know that our little bundle of joy is in the happiest and safest place there is surrounded by the greatest love of all.

The dictionary describes gratitude as “an appreciative attitude for what one has received; it indicates a warm or deep appreciation of personal kindness.” And how grateful we are for all the personal kindness that has come our way over the past year. We knew that we have kind, loving and caring family as well as a great group of friends. However, we are humbled and in awe of the love and support that has poured out to us over the last year. The selflessness of our friends that were there, and continue to be there, during the most difficult time of our lives continues to amaze us. We are forever grateful to those who have been there for us and the thank you’s that have been said don’t seem nearly enough to show our appreciation. Nonetheless, THANK YOU to each and every one of you for every hug, card, for flowers, food, gifts, visits, for visiting us when Lucas was born and making memories with him while he was here on earth with us, for listening, for offering a shoulder to cry on, for crying with us, for just sitting with us silently, for helping plan and attending his funeral, for loving us even at our darkest hours, for reminding us to laugh and creating distractions, for loving and missing our little boy too, and for every single kind word, thought and prayer that you shared with us. We are so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful and generous people in our lives.

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and hope that the New Year will be filled with many special moments for each and everyone of you.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Little Things in Life

I have always been the kind of person that appreciates the little things in life. However, since we lost Lucas I feel that I do appreciate them now even more than ever. I know nothing is a given in life and things can change from one second to the next. So, I try to make an effort to enjoy the happy moments I have and hold on to them to make it through the not so happy ones. There is a quote by Henry Louis Mencken that puts this into words perfectly - "You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."

Now, to the actual reason why I wanted to post this morning.....I met a friend for lunch the other day and not only did she help me run some of my much procrastinated errands, but she also gave me a little something (little only in size, huge in meaning) for Peanut. It really just touched me and I am so lucky to be surrounded by thoughtful and caring friends like her.

Here is what she got for Peanut - it is the cutest thing ever and I can't wait to pull this out every year when we decorate our tree and tell Peanut year after year why he got this.

The little ornament is so adorable and brought tears to my eyes. We will find a very special place for it on our tree this year and I am certain that it will delight us when we unwrap it with the start of each and every christmas season that is to come for our family.

The ornament also has a description of "Peanuts" that reads the following: Peanuts symbolize mystery since their shells completely hide their contents. Called "treasures" beneath the ground." How true! There is the little treasure hiding inside of me and we can't wait to meet him. Only 6-8 more weeks to go (hopefully he decides to make is entrance a few days before his due date).

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

65 Days

We have 65 more days until Peanut’s due date. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed, but then it also has felt like it’s never ending. We still have not been able to decide on a name for our littlest peanut. We have a few “runner ups” and are sure that we will know in time which name will be perfect for him.

As of today, peanut has been quite the little kicker – I think he has soccer written in his future. He kicks first thing in the morning when my alarm comes on and has little kick sessions during the day. The most joyous kicking moments of all are the ones when his daddy talks to him and he responds by kicking right back at him. We have made this our little evening activity (usually during the commercial breaks). It is just so much fun to see that the little guy hears his dad and seems to be saying….”yeah, yeah…I am in here. Come and play with me.”

Here are the latest pictures of our little man from our ultrasound a few weeks back. He did not cooperate well and really did not want us to get a shot of his cute little face. The technician tried for a while but Peanut persisted to keep his face covered with his little hands. Almost as if to say "enough with the pictures already."

Peanut was measuring a week ahead of schedule and his estimated weight at 29 weeks was 3.2 lbs. I can’t believe that we only have one more ultrasound in January and then the next time we’ll see him, we will get to hold the little guy in our arms. Until then, there is much to do. As always, I leave everything for the last minute and really let time creep up on me. I have to pre-register with the hospital, schedule a meeting with the birth advisor, set up a meeting with our pediatrician, complete all my maternity leave paperwork, get myself into a baby store and run a bunch of errands to get ready for his arrival. Oh...and then there is Christmas. I have not gotten one single present yet.

In the meantime, I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year. This past weekend, I pulled out the boxes of Christmas decorations from our storage room and decorated the house. It felt good decorating and I love seeing all the little santas, snowman and miniature trees around the living room and kitchen. I decorated with a tear and a smile on my face. It is just such a bittersweet time of the year since Lucas would probably just be old enough now to be mesmerized by the lights and decorations. We are planning on going to the tree farm this upcoming weekend to cut our tree. I am glad we will be going again this year, but I already know that I will be hard at the same time.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


First of all, thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Some of you had posted questions about Lucas' story in the comments and I promise to answer those soon. It is hard for me to talk about it and has not gotten easier with time, but I found it even harder to put it into writing. It will come soon, though.

Today, I had a very strange conversation with a coworker at work. This coworker (Mrs. H) is a mother of two children and over the past months has been very kind and supportive. We were chatting about Thanksgiving, Christmas plans and Peanut's arrival (Lucas' little brother's name until we can decide on his actual name) when she made a comment that really did not sit right with me. I generally don't really like talking about this pregnancy too much, especially with strangers or acquaintances, since a lot of people give well meant advice and today was not going to be an exception. So, Mrs. H. goes on to say that I should make sure to have my hospital bag packed well in advance since this is "TECHNICALLY" my second pregnancy. Yes, she said "technically your second pregnancy."

I was taken so off guard and wasn't sure how to respond to her comment. I decided to bite my tongue, ignore what she said and politely end our chat since I stay away from those conversations when I am in the office (I just know too well how it would end). Now, I am sitting here and wish I could just tell her what I am thinking. First of, this is my second pregnancy and not just technically. It actually is. I have given birth to a little boy. I carried him full term and I am well aware that the second time around the baby may decide to show up a week or two earlier. And what do you mean "technically my second pregnancy?" Does giving birth to a little baby not count because he is not here with me on earth anymore? He grew inside my tummy for months and then lived with us for one month, so please don't make it seem like his little brother is my first pregnancy.

Those are the days when it seems like that you are only a mother if you have tangible evidence of your children. Things like keeping updated pictures at your desk, telling stories about their latest accomplishments or even bringing them to the office for a visit. It is hard for people to grasp that even though Lucas isn't here with me, he is still my son and I am still his mom. And this is actually my second pregnancy.