Tuesday, December 1, 2009


First of all, thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Some of you had posted questions about Lucas' story in the comments and I promise to answer those soon. It is hard for me to talk about it and has not gotten easier with time, but I found it even harder to put it into writing. It will come soon, though.

Today, I had a very strange conversation with a coworker at work. This coworker (Mrs. H) is a mother of two children and over the past months has been very kind and supportive. We were chatting about Thanksgiving, Christmas plans and Peanut's arrival (Lucas' little brother's name until we can decide on his actual name) when she made a comment that really did not sit right with me. I generally don't really like talking about this pregnancy too much, especially with strangers or acquaintances, since a lot of people give well meant advice and today was not going to be an exception. So, Mrs. H. goes on to say that I should make sure to have my hospital bag packed well in advance since this is "TECHNICALLY" my second pregnancy. Yes, she said "technically your second pregnancy."

I was taken so off guard and wasn't sure how to respond to her comment. I decided to bite my tongue, ignore what she said and politely end our chat since I stay away from those conversations when I am in the office (I just know too well how it would end). Now, I am sitting here and wish I could just tell her what I am thinking. First of, this is my second pregnancy and not just technically. It actually is. I have given birth to a little boy. I carried him full term and I am well aware that the second time around the baby may decide to show up a week or two earlier. And what do you mean "technically my second pregnancy?" Does giving birth to a little baby not count because he is not here with me on earth anymore? He grew inside my tummy for months and then lived with us for one month, so please don't make it seem like his little brother is my first pregnancy.

Those are the days when it seems like that you are only a mother if you have tangible evidence of your children. Things like keeping updated pictures at your desk, telling stories about their latest accomplishments or even bringing them to the office for a visit. It is hard for people to grasp that even though Lucas isn't here with me, he is still my son and I am still his mom. And this is actually my second pregnancy.


  1. I'm not sure that I would've reacted the same way that you did... your definitely a strong woman. There may have been some choice words used if I was in that situation LOL.

    The hard thing is, I think most people don't fully understand what your going through... really everyone just has advise and "words of wisdom" even if they have no idea what the situation may be.

    I had 2 miscarriages before I gave birth to my daughter and even though I lost my other 2 babies early in pregnancy, they were still my babies. But still people have things to say to me about it all... and to be honest I am afraid to get pregnant again, there are always the what ifs in the back of my head. And it amazes me, how many people don't understand my fears and think that I am being selfish with the thought of having just one child. But I guess those people aren't truly important in my life... LOL!

    But good luck with this baby! I'm sure Lucas is looking down from heaven, with so much excitement and can't wait to meet his baby brother.

  2. Hi Susi
    I can not even imagine how that must have felt! It sounds rather rude to make such a statement and I dont think anyone can understand exactly how it is for one person to go through this! Lucas will always be your first pregnancy, birth and child eventhough he is in Heaven. I know that he will be peanuts guardian angle from up above!

    Lots of love to you and the growing family! Say hit to Fredys!

  3. Susi,

    BEAUTIFULLY this is your second pregnancy...there should never be an asterisk to that fact.

    I feel terribly that while you continue to cope and understand how to sort through your own feelings that you have to deal with deciding how to explain to other people that this is not "technically" your 2nd child.

    I remember John N. at work told me that he used to wrestle with how to answer the question: How many children do you have? He said he would anguish between whether answering that he had 4 children and then having to deal with the awkardness that followed when the inevitable question followed: How old are they? And he would say, well three are ages x, y, and z and my 4th is in heaven. Sadly, he said that in the beginning he chose to say that he only had 3 children so he would not have to deal with the awkwardness and to make the OTHER person feel comfortable, which is heartbreaking that you are stuck in the position of trying to make someone ELSE feel better when you are in such a time of suffering.

    Personally, I cannot fathom and I'm sure it's a constant struggle every day dealing with other people's opinions (in fact, you could be feeling that way about mine right now...) but I hope you just continue to let your heart guide you through what you feel is right at that moment, which will surely change from day to day. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a mother of 2. No one loves a child like you loved Lucas and then consider him a "technicality." Just because someone is no longer physcially present, that does not mean that they do not carry on with you emotionally forever.

    Ps - I wonder which genuis ex-coworker of ours made that comment to you. If I still worked there, I'd smack them upside the head for you. Or at least purposely miss a deadline of theirs for your account ;)

    ~ Becca

  4. Susi,
    I think you are a mother the minute you concieve your baby. From that moment on you are and always be a mother. I just don't understand how someone can make such a stupid comment (especially if the person who made that comment is a mother, they should know better). Unfortunately, there is always stupid people on this planet that can't understand the pain you are going through, that can't actually understand anything. He is your son, your first son and will always be that way. Your little angel in Heaven. God bless him.

  5. wow, how infuriating and ignorant. What a fool. "Technically", my a@@. You have two boys. End of story.