Tuesday, November 24, 2009

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...."

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day we said good bye to our little bundle of joy Lucas Alexander. November 24, 2008 is the day that our feet were pulled from under us. It is the day that we were told that our little boy is very sick and that things did not look good. It is the day that we left the emergency room empty handed and broken hearted. It is the day we were forced to start our new life, the day we had to begin our journey to make the best of our new "normal life." I decided that today would be the day to start a blog on how we are Learning to Dance in the Rain after the Storm and how we are continuously trying to balance our sadness of losing our little baby boy with the hopes for our future.

We are exactly one year into our grief and things do look a little brighter than they did a year ago; however, it is a never ending battle to make the best of our life as we now know it. Not one day passes that I do not think about the one month I had with this perfect little boy. He brought so much joy to us in such little time. We could never have asked for a better gift than him. While I remember the good times that we had with Lucas with a big smile and tears running down my face, I am deeply saddened by his loss. I feel a void, big emptiness, in my heart as if someone ripped a piece out of it. The pain of losing our firstborn son, is like no pain I have ever felt before. I think it is best described as someone stabbing you in your chest, grabbing your heart and squeezing all life out of it. It is a heartache that is far greater than what is described in romance novels and I have come to experience that heartache is not just fiction, it actually does exist . The pain lessened over time and the outburst are much more controlled now. Most of the time, I am able to tell in advance before the tears come streaming down and I manage to avoid having outbursts in public now (this is not 100% perfected by any means).

I will not be able to describe what the past year has been like and how we managed to go about our day to day activity. However, a quote by Ted Kennedy that a good friend of mine wrote to me in a letter on Lucas' first birthday, says it all too well.

"As you know so well, the passage of time never really heals the tragic memory of such a great loss, but we carry on because we have to, because our loved one would want us to and because there is still light to guide us in the world from the love they gave us!"

We are where we are today, just because Lucas would want us to be happy again. Lucas would want us to find joy in life and to smile again. Lucas wants us to remember the happy days we had with him and he wants us to continue life and try to find our way through this difficult journey. We are pulling through for him while graciously keeping him in our hearts and memory.


  1. Susi,

    This is absolutely beautiful... This blog, your words. You describe so poingantly the paint of losing a child and the tension of carrying on, balancing the sadness and the hope.

    I have thought about you guys and your precious Lucas so much today.

    So glad that we have been able to connect IRL and support each other through this journey.

    - Stacy

  2. I think this is a great way for you to deal with and shareyour thoughts and pain with your friends. Glad you guys are doing a little better while understanding the road here has not been easy. Lukas is with us and I think of him often and his lovely little face;) rest in piece in heaven dear Lukas our angel!

  3. Susi -- what a beautiful blog. Your quote from Ted Kennedy sums up everything quite well. The pain of losing our kids is unbearable, but we have no choice other than to march along. Lucas was a beautiful child and was lucky to have you as his mommy.
    Hugs, Olivia

  4. What a beautiful gift to honour the life and remembrance of Lucas by starting this blog.
    The quote of Ted Kennedy is so true!

  5. Your little one was (is) beautiful. I look forward to reading along with your journey.

  6. What a beautiful blog and a gorgeous little boy. Your words describe exactly how I feel and have felt over the past 14 months after losing our firstborn Georgia. I look forward to getting to know you through your blog.


  7. Welcome to blogging...

    I have befriended Stacey over the last year via blog. I am sending you big hugs.

    I pray this day will bring you peace through the sadness.

    Can we ask questions?

    Was he born sick or did he become sick to have passed after a month of life?

    What a handsome young man he was.

    God Bless.

  8. What a handsome boy. :)
    Heart hugs from one mama of a heart angel to another.

  9. Praying for you. Lucas is adorable.
    May the Lord grant you peace, strength and faith.
    from Australia

  10. Susi, your first post is a wonderful tribute to your son. I will pray for you, as I do for Stacy, that the Lord will continue to give you healing and peace as you live a life without your precious firstborn, while preparing with joy for his brother. Blessings,Monica

  11. Susi,
    What a beautiful tribute to Alex. He is so cute and precious. I know this year hasn't been easy for you all. It seems like you have made the best out of this situation. I think that Alex would be proud of you - dancing in the rain, as hard as it may be.

    Our lives are forever changed and we will never be the same.
    Take care.

  12. Hi Susi, I am one of Stacy's cousins. I found your blog through hers. I just wanted to tell you that your first blog post is a beautiful post, and your son looks so precious in those pictures. Thank you for sharing. I pray that you have an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy little one.

  13. May GOD continue to shine light on your path. I know it's not easy. Thank you for sharing your son with us. He's precious. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I hope you continue to share your journey here online. I think you will find it's a sweet, healing place.

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  14. Susi, as much as I don't like to have to blog about what we do, I hope that you can create a sense of beauty from your pain as you immortalize and honor Lucas with your words. Your son is beautiful, and he must be so, so proud of you!

    Kat In Dylan's Memory

  15. Susi, I am sorry that you walk this road. I hope that you find a release in blogging. I know it has helped me. Lucas is so very precious. I really like the quote from Ted Kennedy.

  16. Your words are beautiful as is your son Lucas. I hope you find some comfort and release in your blogging.

  17. What a beautiful son! May God continue to work in your life

  18. Precious. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. I lost both of my twin daughters, Aubrey and Ellie, 18 months ago.
    It is so hard. I still hurt. But I too am going on. I am praying for you.

  20. Susi,
    I am visiting from Stacy's blog. And, I'm so grateful to have the privilege of reading about your beautiful Lucas. What a precious, sweet boy. Your pictures and your words are all beautiful. I especially love your blog name...and the explanation. Well said...

    I hope you find encouragement and comfort in blogland...and may you know that you are not alone as you walk this journey.

    Praying God's continued comfort and sufficient grace for your family...

    Kelly Gerken
    Sufficient Grace Ministries

  21. I am so truly sorry for your loss.

  22. It's been very inspiring reading everyone's blogs. I have a 7 and a half month old little boy named Lucas, which I didn't think was popular when we named him, but now feel honored to know he shared a name with a little boy who made a big impact on everyone's life, even though his was cut short. My Lucas and I will be praying for you and your family. I would love to read about your little boy's short life some time. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.