It is about 3AM in the morning and I have been laying wide awake in bed. My head is spinning from all the different thoughts that are floating around in there.
To the outside person, I appear as a happy normal pregnant women who looks like she is going to give birth any minute. To anyone who knows me and has been part of my life....well, they know it is different. I am happy, actually very happy, to be pregnant and the anticipation to meet this little person who is growing inside of me is getting bigger by the day. However, with every day that passes by and with only a few more days left of being pregnant with Peanut, the fear and anxiety of "what ifs" creeps in. Anyone who has lost a baby will tell you that once you enter the world of "babylost mothers", you have a complete different perspective. I have seen and read about too many stories of what can go wrong. I have heard about too many mothers who were pregnant and did not bring home their baby, mothers who left the hospitals empty handed. And I have heard about too many mothers, who brought home their babies, and yet did not get to raise them for very long.
I am hopeful that we will get to see little Peanut grow old and strong. I am hopeful that he will outlive his parents especially knowing that he has his very own guardian angel. And yet I am full of fear....I can't bear the thought of the "what if something goes wrong again." We were part of a statistic before - Lucas' undiagnosed heart defect has a 2-3% chance of occurring.
Today and any other day, I am trying to focus on the fact that most babies do come home with their parents when they leave the hospital and most babies live long, happy, and healthy lives.