While Max is sleeping away in his Baby Bjorn, I am pondering about the life that we will never get to experience. The life of carefree parents that don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. Even though Max has brought much happiness and joy to us and we love him with all of our hearts, I can't help to think about the "should haves" and "should nots." There are many and below are just some roaming around in my head.
The house should not be filled with silence while Max is sleeping. There should be lots of laughter and giggles from a squirmy little man.
Experiencing Max develop and explore the world should not be so new to us. We should know what an almost 2 month old does and whether or not Max is developing just like Lucas, is advanced or behind.
Parenting should be second nature to us and we should know what to do and what to expect over the next few months. For instance, Max hates, absolutely hates, to go to sleep at night time. We should know how to fix it or tell ourselves..."this is what worked for Lucas" and try the same with Max.
I should not fear to put Max to sleep and jump up every time I hear a noise from him (maybe this is why he doesn't sleep too well). And I for sure should not freak out every time Max falls into a deep sleep and his breathing gets very shallow. I should not have the need to constantly check if he is breathing while he sleeps.
I should believe the doctors when they tell me Max is a healthy little boy. He for sure looks like it. And I should not respond to someone that asks how Max's doctors' appointment went that "he is supposedly healthy."
We are beyond thankful to have Max with us and we treasure every moment of it while we are missing the little 17 month old that should be running around in our house. While the focus of missing Lucas has shifted a little to taking care of Max 24/7, I could continue on and on with the list of should haves and should nots. Unfortunately, the reality is that I will always think in terms of should haves and should nots. Every stage that we will experience with Max will add new items to the list.
You hit the nail on the head when you wrote about "The life that we will never get to experience. The life of carefree parents that don't know what it feels like to have lost a child." I lost my daughter shortly after birth; I now understand just how precious life is and how it can be fleeting. And whether I want it to or not her life and death has changed me. Life is ways bittersweet and it always will be.
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