Thursday, June 24, 2010

Another 24th

It is hard to believe how time has flown by since we last held Lucas in our arms. So many things have changed. It's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and yet on the 24th of each month I still feel the aching pain, yet not as sharp as it once was, in my chest.

Having an infant at home really has taken up all of my time, which I am so grateful for. However, when I try to really reflect and understand how I am doing with my grief, I don't get very far. I am either too exhausted by the end of the day or Max is ready for another feeding.

I know I am better and most of the time I can say that I have come to terms with what has happened to us. I still don't understand why it had to happen to us and probably never never will. And then at times I just wish I could turn back time and know the things I know now. How badly I wish that would have been able to tell the doctors that Lucas had a heart defect.

So today it's been 19 months since that awful day in the emergency room, 19 months of pain, anger, sadness and devastation. But it's also been 19 weeks trying to balance the pure joy that Lucas' little brother has brought to us alongside the missing of our Angel.


  1. Oh Susi...your post teared me right up. I wish Lucas was here with his brother and that you didn't have to carry the sadness of his absence through your days. I'm so glad you're finding joy in Max, though--so glad he's here and under the watchful eye of his gaurdian angel.

  2. Susi....I share your sorrow as I too lost my baby boy, just 13 months ago. That loss and sadness never leaves our hearts! I pray you will find comfort and take advantage of the joy of his little brother. Max does NOT and never will replace Lucas but may he give you some joy in this life. I would like to share my new blog with you. It has my story our loss. Please share with anyone. I pray my Benjamin and our story can comfort others like you and I. One day at a time is all we can do. Take care, A Mom sharing your pain, Angela