Sunday, November 21, 2010

Heart of the Matter

I am currently reading a book (Emily Griffin's "Heart of the Matter")...a just for fun book with no mention of infant loss and the darkness that follows.

So as I picked up the book this evening all curled up on the sofa, this is what it's first page revealed:

"Whenever I hear of someone else's tragedy, I do not dwell on the accident or diagnosis, or even the initial shock waves or aftermath of grief. Instead, I find myself reconstructing those final ordinary moments. Moments that make up our lives. Moments that were blissfully taken for granted - and that likely would have been forgotten altogether but for what followed. The before snapshot."

This whole weekend I have been thinking about the "ordinary" things that we did during our last weekend with Lucas. This weekend just 2 years ago, we took our little bundle of joy out for his first trip to the babystore, which is about a 30 minute drive away from our house. I remember how nervous we were to drag him out there. I was planning on nursing him in the car, so we even dragged the Bobby pillow with us. I remember how proudly we walked through the store and how strangers would give complements on Lucas' beautiful big brown eyes. I also remember that it was a nice sunny fall weekend. The air was chilly and Lucas was all bundled up. He slept for most of the time that we were out and we were so excited that the little trip went well. We discussed at length how happy we were that our little man was with us on the way home. We stopped at Chipotle to pick up lunch. We came home and discovered that our heat had turnt off. My husband later discovered that the heater was broken and frantically went to Home Depot to purchase some space heaters. We spend the rest of the afternoon and evening upstairs in the bedroom with the door closed to keep the heat in the room. I played with Lucas and he smiled for the first time at me. I even was able to get a snapshot of his smile. Most importantly, I remember how blissfully happy we were.

I wonder if I'd remember all those little things about our ordinary weekend if it wasn't for what happened.


  1. Oh my gosh Susi, my heart is breaking reading this and I'm crying my eyes out. It is so hard...the memories, the missed moments, the everyday... Just keep hanging on to every single memory and moment of sweet little Lucas. You are in my heart and thoughts as tomorrow nears. Lots of Love and Strength to you.

  2. Oh Susi, that breaks my heart. I just can't fathom the kind of loss you all have experienced. But I'm so grateful that you have Max this year to make the holidays special and I know that you'll be holding Lucas in your hearts throughout the season. Sending you lots of warm wishes and love~