3 Months Old

Time really has been flying by these days and on most days I am not even certain what date it is. Max is now 3 months old and I can't even begin to express how much joy this little man has brought to us.

Here are some pics of his 3 months home photo shoot (he really didn't want to smile for the camera yesterday):

A Special Day

Someone very special to the world of miscarriages, stillbirths and infant death has put it upon herself to designate May 2nd as the International Babylost Mothers Day. The day is of great significance for any mom who has lost her child or even children especially if she does not have any other children on earth. Just because a women loses her only child does not mean she is not a mother anymore. She is a mother with all of her heart and soul and deserves to be celebrated as a Mom.



I remember last year's Mothers Day. It was supposed to be my first Mothers Day and I was looking forward to it while being pregnant with Lucas, but it was not the happy event that I had hoped for. The day felt empty and it was just plain horrible. To the outside world I did not look like a Mom and to most of my family & friends I was a Mom for the one month that Lucas was with us. Needless to say, I felt out of place and just plain miserable on a day where Moms get lots of hugs and kisses from their children.

Thank you Carly for creating a day for all Mom's who have lost their children.

11 Weeks

Our little Max is 11 weeks today. Time is flying by and I can't believe that April is almost over, which means May is right around the corner. May is the last month of me staying at home. Come June 1st I will have to go back to work and I am not looking forward to leaving my cutie. I don't even like going upstairs to take a nap because I don't want to miss out on anything he does.

Max has been doing great. He is growing and thriving. He has become quite the chatter cat and loves to smile. It is so rewarding to get his little grin when you talk to him. My favorite part of the day is waking up in the morning. Max sleeps in the middle of our bed and when I open my eyes I get the most adorable smile from him.

Here are some newer pictures of Max:





Yesterday, we had a special little get together. Over the past year I have become friends with two other baby loss moms our area. We met at an infant loss group and have been supporting each other through the winding roads of grief, grieving while hopefully expecting and grieving while enjoying our rainbow babies. Stacy and Carly have been a tremendous help to me and I am beyond thankful that they live so close to me and that we are able to get together whenever we would like to.

Here are some pictures of our rainbow babies, Eliana, Finn and Max. It was hard to get all three of them to look into the camera, but maybe next time around all three of them will be able to sit up a little better. Also, check out Stacy's blog for more pictures .

You Never Know When....

Since Max has been born, we have been thinking and talking a lot about Lucas. There are always tears when we talk about our little angel in our house, but they are controlled and in the comfort of our home.

The other day Max and I went to our favorite store, Target, and I ended up browsing the baby clothes aisles to see if they had anything cute that I would want to buy. And there it was...the cutest onesie in bright green that caught my eye . The second I turned it around to look at its front, the tears started rolling. The front read "Best Little Brother in the World." It hit me hard right then and there in the middle of Target. I dropped everything I had in my hands and just made my way to the exit as fast as I could.

Max is the little brother but he will never get to do "brother-things" with his big brother. He'll never get to take away Lucas' toys or run after him. He'll never get to hug and kiss his big brother and they'll never get to have a fight.

You never know when it may hit you and how hard it will hit you.

The Should Haves & Should Nots

While Max is sleeping away in his Baby Bjorn, I am pondering about the life that we will never get to experience. The life of carefree parents that don't know what it feels like to have lost a child. Even though Max has brought much happiness and joy to us and we love him with all of our hearts, I can't help to think about the "should haves" and "should nots." There are many and below are just some roaming around in my head.

The house should not be filled with silence while Max is sleeping. There should be lots of laughter and giggles from a squirmy little man.

Experiencing Max develop and explore the world should not be so new to us. We should know what an almost 2 month old does and whether or not Max is developing just like Lucas, is advanced or behind.

Parenting should be second nature to us and we should know what to do and what to expect over the next few months. For instance, Max hates, absolutely hates, to go to sleep at night time. We should know how to fix it or tell ourselves..."this is what worked for Lucas" and try the same with Max.

I should not fear to put Max to sleep and jump up every time I hear a noise from him (maybe this is why he doesn't sleep too well). And I for sure should not freak out every time Max falls into a deep sleep and his breathing gets very shallow. I should not have the need to constantly check if he is breathing while he sleeps.

I should believe the doctors when they tell me Max is a healthy little boy. He for sure looks like it. And I should not respond to someone that asks how Max's doctors' appointment went that "he is supposedly healthy."

We are beyond thankful to have Max with us and we treasure every moment of it while we are missing the little 17 month old that should be running around in our house. While the focus of missing Lucas has shifted a little to taking care of Max 24/7, I could continue on and on with the list of should haves and should nots. Unfortunately, the reality is that I will always think in terms of should haves and should nots. Every stage that we will experience with Max will add new items to the list.

6 Weeks Old

Our little Max is 6 weeks old today and I can't believe how much he has changed already. The changes are not only physical but also behavioral. Max for sure loves his food and it shows. He also has lost a chunk of his hair and is sporting some very prominent president corners. I hope that new hair will fill them in soon. His eyebrows are growing now too. At first he didn't have any, then they looked like someone shaved them off and now he actually has eyebrows.

Max is awake a lot more now. He usually is up for at least an hour after his feedings (we try to avoid this at night, but are not always successful). He is ooooohhhing and ahhhhing when he is awake. Max is also looking at his toys, swinging his cute little hands at the Mrs. Giraffe and Mr. Monkey on his activity mat. He is holding on to anything that he can reach...oh and yes he already broke my necklace. He pulled on it and it fell off my neck. My husband and I could not believe it. His newest adventure are his attempts in standing. Max's leg muscle seem unbelievably strong. He stiffens his little chunky legs up and he stands. It makes him look like a big boy and it is happening entirely too fast for my taste.

Lastly, Max has smiled at us but not regularly. The gummy little smile just melts your heart away and I can't wait to get my daily dose of them. His smiles are hard to get and I have not been able to capture them on camera. It seems like there is a lot more to smile about while he sleeps than being awake.

To sum it all up, Max loves to eat, play and being held. He enjoys his baths, activity matt and bouncy chair (for a limited amount of time). Max absolutely loves going for walks and likes being carried around in his Baby Bjorn. When it comes to sleeping, our little man pretty much seems to think that sleep is overrated.

Rainbow Baby

After becoming part of world of parents who have lost a child (or children) due to miscarriage, neonatal/infant death or stillbirth, I also quickly became acquainted with the term RAINBOW BABY(IES). Babies born to families after the loss of a child are often referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. It goes without saying that when a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. A rainbow baby shows its parents that there is joy and happiness to life.

This is were we are today. We are beyond grateful to have Max with us. He is a beautiful little soul and has brought so much happiness to our family over the past 4 weeks. It feels good to remember how happiness feels. We are constantly missing Lucas especially when we look at pictures like these:

Lucas taking a bath:



Max taking a bath:



They are brothers for sure and look so much alike. We are happy to find all these similarities between the two, but it also makes us miss Lucas even more.

Tomorrow, we will start a journey of "NEW." Max is one month old tomorrow and from there on out everything will be new to us. We never got to experience life with a newborn beyond the one month mark. We are excited to be at this place in our lives and we enjoy every minute of it; however, we are also moving cautiously and hope that the joy will never end.