2 Years, 8 months, 1 Week & 2 Days

It is hard to really put things into words when part of your heart has a huge hole in it and the other part is filled with endless joy. I call it the Lucas-shaped hole of our family. A piece of us is missing and it will be forever missing.

When I look at Max I often wonder if Lucas would have been just as energetic, funny, loving and affectionate as Max. Or maybe Lucas would have been much more mellow and reserved like his Dad. I wonder if their hair would have been the same or if Lucas would have loved all sorts of fruits & veggies just as much as Max does.

Having Max has brought us so much happiness and he's a constant reminder of Lucas, but a reminder in a good way. I don't look at him necessarily with tear-filled eyes. I look at him smiling about all the funny things he does and remember my cutie pie Lucas.


So yes...things have been quiet over here, very quiet. It's mainly due to the fact that I feel like a broken record. I don't know what else to say other than that I am eternally going to miss my first born son all the while enjoying every single moment with his little brother.

And of course all the raving about Max calls for some updated pictures.

We are working on the "say cheese" for the camera. Still have some more work to do.


Germans believe that a good breakfast starts with Nutella. And combined with my favorite American breakfast item - pancakes - you get this happy face.


One of my favorite things...hugs and kisses from Max.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back. ~ Erma Bombeck ~

I think about Lucas, my first son I don't get to see grow up. I think about Max, and how he would not be here if Lucas still was. I think about how lucky we are to have Max, such an amazing little boy with such an easy going and happy nature. And then I wonder if Lucas' personality would’ve been like Max’s or completely different. I think about what Lucas would look like now. Would he and Max have looked the same? Would Lucas have had the same cheerful smile and "sometimes" curly hair like his brother? Or would they have been their own unique selves and not even have looked or acted like siblings.

Happy belated Mother's day to all mothers out there.

Lightning never strikes twice..

in the same place! Or does it? This has really been on my mind a lot lately. Max is 13 months now and we have always had the intentions to have children close in age (as in less than 2 years age difference). I just think it would be great for Max to have a playmate and to grow up with a sibling here on earth. Unfortunately, Lucas will never be the kind of brother to play outside with Max or to walk down the isle by his side as his best man. So we really would like to add to our little family, but I am scared beyond words. Once again...all over.

I love our day to day life right now. Things are in a good place. We are genuinely happy and love everything about our little peanut. Of course we miss Lucas and wish he'd be here with us, but it's not as heartbreaking anymore.

Myths say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place and I would love to believe that, but what if it would? Should we really jeopardise what we have right now? Should we put Max and us for that matter through a potential tragedy? I am not certain if I'd be able to pick up the pieces again afterwards and that would mean that Max would have a nutcase of a mother.

I wish there'd be a guarantee for things like pregnancy. You know a warranty that states, once you are pregnant you are guaranteed to raise a healthy little boy or girl.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Hard to believe that the day of Max's 1st Birthday has come and gone in no time. I still remember so vividly how much I was looking forward to meeting our little Peanut in the days approaching February 5, 2010 (and of course throughout the entire pregnancy). And now he's been with us for an entire year. I can't even begin to put into words how much joy and happiness this little person has brought to our family. Max went from infant to toddler in no time.




Max is full of personality and just a happy little boy all around. He is all boy - trouble through and through. He loves to take things apart, inspect all odds and ends of his toys and if he could he'd open everything up. Just this morning he was sitting under my desk using a pen to "pretend" unscrew a screw. Max has been walking for a while now and he is getting pretty fast. I see a lot of chasing after him in my near future. He loves his upright position and has a blast exploring the world around him. He is fascinated by dogs and cats. He tries to chase after them to touch them. I believe his intentions are good and he just wants to pet them, but sometimes he ends up pulling their furs just a little too hard. Max also loves to look at his books. He calls out "Beh" and pulls a book from his shelf and then returns returns back to me or his daddy to sit in our lap to read the book to him.

We are so truly blessed to have Max in our lives and last year was a year filled with happiness, giggles and much laughter all thanks to Max. Here is a little recap of the monthly photo shoots that poor Max had to endure.

Scrabble

Max and I were playing with his blocks earlier today when this dawned on me:



It took me almost a year to figure this out. Love seeing their names together like that. And notice how it is a perfect symmetrical cross.

A Must Read

With Max finally sleeping through the nights, I have been able to pick up some books that have been on my reading list for a long time. One of these books is "An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken.

The book is a memoir about McCracken's stillbirth of her baby boy and a subsequent pregnancy. The author applies honesty, wisdom and even wit to a painful event. I have been finding so many similarities between her and my emotions (with the big difference being that I would never be able to put them into words the way McCracken did).

Ultimately, “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination” is sad and at times tear-inducing. ­McCracken offers an unstinting account of her grief and the outlying emotions it engenders, from embarrassment to feelings of failure to misdirected anger. It definitely is a good read and I would highly suggest it to anyone who has not experienced the loss of a child but knows someone close to them who has experienced such a loss. The book will provide much inside to the many aspects of grieving a baby or child.

I will leave you with one of the most moving passages from the book. ­McCracken imagines her tragedy as a comic book in which her baby is fine in one panel, and then: “In the next panel, seconds later, something is supposed to intervene. . . . But Superman never shows. I can see it so clearly. In one panel we are safe and stupid. In the next we’re only stupid.”

Heart of the Matter

I am currently reading a book (Emily Griffin's "Heart of the Matter")...a just for fun book with no mention of infant loss and the darkness that follows.

So as I picked up the book this evening all curled up on the sofa, this is what it's first page revealed:

"Whenever I hear of someone else's tragedy, I do not dwell on the accident or diagnosis, or even the initial shock waves or aftermath of grief. Instead, I find myself reconstructing those final ordinary moments. Moments that make up our lives. Moments that were blissfully taken for granted - and that likely would have been forgotten altogether but for what followed. The before snapshot."

This whole weekend I have been thinking about the "ordinary" things that we did during our last weekend with Lucas. This weekend just 2 years ago, we took our little bundle of joy out for his first trip to the babystore, which is about a 30 minute drive away from our house. I remember how nervous we were to drag him out there. I was planning on nursing him in the car, so we even dragged the Bobby pillow with us. I remember how proudly we walked through the store and how strangers would give complements on Lucas' beautiful big brown eyes. I also remember that it was a nice sunny fall weekend. The air was chilly and Lucas was all bundled up. He slept for most of the time that we were out and we were so excited that the little trip went well. We discussed at length how happy we were that our little man was with us on the way home. We stopped at Chipotle to pick up lunch. We came home and discovered that our heat had turnt off. My husband later discovered that the heater was broken and frantically went to Home Depot to purchase some space heaters. We spend the rest of the afternoon and evening upstairs in the bedroom with the door closed to keep the heat in the room. I played with Lucas and he smiled for the first time at me. I even was able to get a snapshot of his smile. Most importantly, I remember how blissfully happy we were.

I wonder if I'd remember all those little things about our ordinary weekend if it wasn't for what happened.